DLXXXI.-ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.

King Henry VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, "Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life. -"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchman now in my power.' "But of all these heads," replied the nobleman, "there may not be one to fit my shoulders."

DLXXXII.-KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.

THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, "He could not afford to keep a conscience.

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DLXXXIII. DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom I have no affection, and they may waste their time as they please."

DLXXXIV.-PORTMANTEAU V. TRUNK.

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SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. "Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it did every bit as well."

DLXXXV.-SEEING A CORONATION.

A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hmilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this tête-à-tête the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have your wish." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.

DLXXXVI.-HOOK'S POLITENESS.

Hook was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why, when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers."

DLXXXVII.

ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.

UPON its lofty column's stand

Napoleon takes his place:

His back still turn'd upon that land
That never saw his face.

DLXXXVIII.-OLD TIMES.

A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, "Look among the robberies."

DLXXXIX. AN ARCADIAN.

A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "Oh, how I do wish that this was called work, and well paid."

DXC.-JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.

IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, “You see, madam, wherever you go there are no scats to be got.

DXCI.-ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.

"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls."

DXCII.A GENUINE IRISH BULL.

SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater."

DXCIII. THE RULING PASSION.

IN the last illness of George Coleman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologised to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned out poor George.

DXCIV. EPIGRAM.

(On —————————-'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)

LORD

-'s left his circuit for a day,

Which is to me a mystery profound;

He leave the circuit! he, of whom they say,
That he delights in constant turning round.

DXCV.-SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.

DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, Measure for Measure!"

DXCVI. DEGENERACY.

THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their ain feet."

DXCVII.-WORTHY OF CREDIT.

A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return. "" "Please your honour," says the man, "I'm ruined by the credit I give in that way."

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DXCVIII.PAYING IN KIND.

A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard."-"That's very likely," said the farmer; "these are not the only ducks of the same sort I've had stolen lately."

DXCIX. VERY SERIOUS.

A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling, neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my own pills."

DC.-THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.

MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, " Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thicknesse, father of Lord Audley.' His lordship took the hint, and the board was removed,

""

DCI.-DELICATE HINT.

QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, says, "My better half, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I hear but nothing to make me hope or fear."

DCII. A SCOTCH MEDIUM.

AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning.'

"Deed, sir," replied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown eyes; "Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a smell o' speerits amang us this mornin'!"

DCIII.-EPIGRAM.

A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time will away,
I see no reason why the watch should stay.
You say the key hung out, and you fail'd to lock it ;
Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.

Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.

DCIV. PERFECT DISCONTENT.

An old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."

DCV.-A BAD BARGAIN.

A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I should be in your debt for the remainder; how can that be if I pay it?"