CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.

A groan, the first int-wrench-ment of the siege.-Corn-land grown pasture-i. e.,

past-your endurance.-Change not always improvement.-A little Latin-but

there is a translation at the bottom.-To ride a-horse-back out and drive a horse

back home.-A cart-sequence. Not good. Pleasures of solitude.-New even-ing

amusements-rolling gravel-walks and shearing lawns.-Plans for another cam-

paign-to take the field in good earnest. Pp. 15-26.

CHAPTER II.

Miseries of games, sports, &c. Of domestic recreations.-New-fashioned geometry.

A one-line try-angle. Robin' the dead.-Un-aim-iable fortune! Childish

troubles-no ease but miser-ies.-Infancy! In fancy I see thy speechless trials!—

Attacks on dogs are a tax on the feelings of their masters.-The affecting history

of poor watch.
Andrew McCann-" absent, but not forgotten."-Pleasures of

boating. A temperance maxim. The social bowl is a bad game to make ten-strikes

in.-Whist-a deal of trouble and "De'il a bit of pleasure."-The arts. "Musio

hath (c) harms."-An unwelcome mental guest is a riddle which is not guessed.-

Riddles in the old sense, i. e. sieves-to strain the faculties.-Finish of "Miseries

Chap. 2d." (They've finished many a chap besides!) Pp. 27-40.

CHAPTER III.

Miseries of cities-noisome and noisy.-Mutual awkwardness, i. e., awkwardness

that makes you all mute.-Wakefulness. We only find oblivion when we wish-

to be remembered !-Cab-bage, in the tailor sense.-A new po(1)ker. A toss-up

for choice of partners.-" Voices of the night." A feline misery, and a feelin' de-

scription of it. When may a story be said to be "going the rounds" ?-When the

bricks it was built of are being brought down a ladder.-The folly of using an in-

come for amusing a nincom.-Theatres, &c. Places of public abusement.—“ Going

to ballet-hack" not so easy for a common man as a fool.-The misery of condo-

lence. Is it a bad box to have no box at all?-The close of the drama. Pp. 41-51.

CHAPTER IV.

Miseries of travelling. "Voyager c'est vivre."-Literal people a pest. A dig at the

dignitaries.-Travelling preliminaries.-Pilgrim's Progress. Boxing the clothes

and closing the box.-A memorandum-book-"Though lost to sight, to memory

dear.-A post mortem examination connected with the dead letter office.-Rail-

roads, beginning with a depot-sition on the nuisance of starting.-The whistle-8

car-tune preliminary to a picture of despair.-A stir-up to the placidity of your

temper, already saddley tried.-Drivers. The only stage-managers who don't get

disgusted with the dram(a).-The pest-the dam-pest of damp sheets.-"I love a

softer climb" than the upper berth, "Gent's Cabin."-Transpositions, a new

epidemic. Inoculation for the reader.-Light is the smoker's care if he only has a

cigar!-Cattle damages. The joint-stock having to pay for the dis-jointed.—Offi-

cial appointments. Miserable sticks elevated to responsible posts. Pp. 58-79.

CHAPTER V.

Social trials. A fair exhibition of the neat cattle of society.-Schisms, not witti-

cisms.-Music racks are well named; likewise, the strains of which they are the

instruments. Noisy pets, that might as well be trum-pets, or pet-ards, at once.→

It's sometimes pleasant to be found "not at home"-never, to be found out.―

The country tempts you away from home, and the contretemps that follow you.-

The pains of politeness. The "mould of form" that gathers on social intercourse.

-An unlucky speech that doesn't admit of a-mealy-oration afterwards.-Som-

nolence vs. bene-volence.-A soar throat is just what a singer should have to

reach the high notes with.-Building-sites and other exciting sights not heretofore

cited. There's one pathy for all diseases, we all employ when we can get it.

Sympathy, (and we might add, home-opathy.)—De vinculo matrimonii.—A

father, tend-er to his offspring. Pp. 80-97.

CHAPTER VI.

Library troubles. The handsomer a book is, the more it seems open to in-speck-

tion. A book bound to be an annoyance in some way.-Magazine literature. A

magazine of litter at your disposal.-The "cacoethes scribendi" must have been

among the "Jesta Romanorum."-Most authors write an infamous short-hand.

Sin-copy personified. The printer is author-ized to offer the incredulous con-

vincing proofs. Pp. 97-103.

CHAPTER VII.

The Devil sends cooks, so there's the devil to pay.-The cheap eating-house in two

phases. The most thriving bug in New York, except hum-bug. An enc-roach-

ment on our liberties.-The upper 10,000 vs. the lower 490,000 for lie-ability and

reliability. The brick-in-hod-and-in-hat-carrying race's aptness for all sorts of

fabrication. The declension of boarding-houses favorable to the conjugation of

bachelors.-Con-fusion, i. e., a melting together.-Boarding-houses, not to be

accused of un-chary-table-ness.-Efforts at carving proving rather a hindrance than

a help.-Specimens of gold-baring quartz from the dough-minions of the baker.

-A formal dinner. Courses that are not race-courses.-What's a-curd to sour your

temper?-The cold chairy-teas of the world!—A preparation sooted to the most

fastidious taste. Making a mull of it. Pp. 104-121.

CHAPTER VIII.

Miseries domestic. House-cleaning.-A lock, no key. A chimney, smoky.-Bui!

Ding-a nuisance, alone; and prolific in little Bills besides.-The city most opposed

to the introduction of gas.-Spermaceti.-Trouble in a gas-tly shape-not to be

made light of.-Candle miseries. There's no rest for the wick-ed.-The Augean

stables. (Corruption from haw-gee-in'-being ox-stables.)-An over-T-urn.—

Dressing-room miseries.-Bad habits; the more they are broken, the worse they

get.-A brush with the bristles.-Pantaloons. A fit-not like a glove, but like a

convulsion.-A crumb-not of comfort. The penalty of loaf-ing in bed.-Cold

weather. Nurses. (Both suggestive of Lap-land.)—After all, the worst thing

about a bed is getting up. Pp. 122-144.

CHAPTER IX.

Miseries of the body. (Every one nose-the blows it is subject to.-Ad udfortudate

bad who cad dot prodoudce eb or ed.-Amateur doctors-of a mature age too.-

The game of draughts. Checkers-of perspiration.-Better let the ladies alone-

or you'll surely lose!-Men's best aims are found to be misses,—women's to be

Mrs. Are man-tillas machines for the cultivation of the race? Harrowing thought!

-Happiness destroyed by an evil spell.-Modern sociability. Oh Pride, thou hell-

pest to make mankind wretched.—A carriage is like a lottery prize: never drawn

when one wants it.-A dis-tressed damsel.-Part-ies of pleasure well named. The

pleasure isn't in the meeting.—Compassionable ugliness. (The consequences of

the small pox are to be pitted.) Pp. 145-159.

CHAPTER X.

Miseries miscellaneous.-Caricature portraits. (A dagger-o'-type naturally suggests

a libel.)—Take Time by his forelock, and he'll retaliate on yours.-Years decline,

vanity does not-except that it declines to own up.-A de-voted candidate.-

-A clerk's not the man to cut a figure. He knows them all too well.-A D-serv-

ing youth, with a D-sire to please.-The race of beggars. (A hand-i'-cap race.)—

Resignation is a virtue-that office-holders are loth to practice.-The Tea-room.

More-tea-fication of the flesh agrees with aldermanic corporations.-The pavior

who cobbles half the street and blocks the whole.-We're in the reforming vein.

Our efforts are probably in vain too.-Ice calls for slippers as naturally as water

does for pumps.-Sick transit: from the odor of flowery buds to that of Bowery

floods. Has our work any mission but dis-mission? Plans. An outline of the

forces-a mere shell, having no colonel.-All appears to be dished: or, what's

equivalent, be-trayed.-The greatest misery of all for the reader-the end. Pp.

160-196.

THE MISERIES OF HUMAN LIFE.

CHAPTER I.

"Hinc exaudiri gemitus."*-VIRGIL.

A groan, the first int-wrench-ment of the siege.-Corn-land grown pasture—i. e., past-your endurance.-A new frog fable. "No sport to you, but death to us."Change not always improvement. A distinction without a difference.-A little Latin- but there is a translation at the bottom.-The hay-day of prosperity"over the left."-Up to snuff-and a trifle over.-To ride a-horse-back out and drive a horse back home.-A cart-sequence. Not good. Pleasures of solitude.New even-ing amusements-rolling gravel-walks and shearing lawns. Verbum sap.-Plans for another campaign—to take the field in good earnest.

Sensitive. This is a hard world, Testy.

Testy. That is a fact, Sensitive, and besides, a promising opening to our first attack on the army of our enemies. We have to deal with an immense and obstinate majority of mankind, who persist in their dogma that miseries are to be valued in proportion to their size rather than to their number.

Sen. Who will be contented, in spite of any and all inducements to the contrary.

* Here a groan was heard.