had her claims allowed as fully and fairly as Bill of '19. He reminded the Old Lady that, from 1797 to 1815, things had gone on smoothly enough, by the mutual understanding of all parties then interested in the estate; that Compensation would not now be clamouring so loudly, but for the preposterous claim set up by Bill of '19, who in fact was endeavouring to secure the whole property to himself; that Compensation had never thought of asking anything for herself, till Bill of '19 insisted on being paid in gold, a legacy really bequeathed to him in paper; that nevertheless, he (Bob Acres) for one, had no objection to Bill's taking payment in gold, provided I (his protégée, Compensation) received, from foreign parts, a fair equivalent, for having to pinch myself at home, to scrape together the gold which Bill of '19 thus heartlessly exacted: and so reasonable did all this appear; that, till of late years, the arbitrators have had little difficulty in making equitable arrangements amicably between us, on every fresh valuation of the property. ARISTOCRAT. What a tongue! (aside). Then how came your name, Madam, to be changed from Compensation to Protection? PROTECTION. I declare to you I do not remember; I was so young at the time. Whether, as I grew up, Pro tection was considered more correct or interesting for a female, or how it was, I cannot say; and indeed just now I feel quite indifferent about it; for the villanous hypocrisy of some, who should have known better, still tortures me more-more than a nature, so frigid as yours, Sir, can well understand. And, therefore, for the sake of a little peace and quiet, I am willing to adopt any name that may fall most pleasingly on the public ear. ARISTOCRAT. Do not be disheartened, Madam, all will yet be well. Has your unnatural brother any-family? PROTECTION. No wife-the mauvais sujet!—but two children; who plague me much more than himself: the eldest, a son, by a tight-laced piece of buckram, calling herself Restriction; he was christened, "Bill of '44," an ugly likeness of his father; the other, a daughter, " Tariff of '46," the lyingest little minx!-and as for that bouncing bona roba, her mother, she is without any one exception, the most free and easy daughter of Eve that ever transgressed; so notoriously vicious, as to have been driven by the authorities ignominiously, out of every capital in Christendom. The only satisfaction I feel is, that She and Restriction will soon make England too hot to hold them both. How I long to see the amiable pair at loggerheads! ARISTOCRAT. Both the children you allude to I fancy I know perfectly well. Personally I do not so much object to Bill of '44; but that insufferable Tariff of '46 I have taken some pains to abuse-in print. PROTECTION. In print, pray? how-when-and where? ARISTOCRAT. (Rising, as he draws forth a slim octavo-couleur "Marie Louise," à cordon rouge.) May I presume, Madam (bowing), to hope that you will do me the honour to- PROTECTION. What pretty binding! Why, bless me! I declare—while I was hurrying through the Palace, two years ago, to thank the Lord Chamberlain for his letter about the Spitalfields weavers-if this isn't the very book I saw lying on the sofa of the ARISTOCRAT. Hush! my dear Madam, for heaven's sake: if that were once known, the Whigs would never forgive me-or▬▬ PROTECTION. (hastily turning over the leaves.) A Letter to the Electors of Westminster from a Conservative. 1847!-A Letter to the Electors of Westminster from a Protectionist. 1848!-What! is it possible that you are the--will you have the kindness just to raise this cushion a little for me? -thank you very much-that will do very nicely -(Aristocrat finds himself on the sofa)—and are You the writer, to whom I have long felt myself so much indebted for these lively and original letters? ARISTOCRAT. O, my dear Madam, you really do me too much honour. PROTECTION. No, indeed: I quite mean all I say. The only fault I found with you was, that you made me laugh so, I sometimes fancied you could scarcely be sincere. ARISTOCRAT: Why, now-a-days, unless one crams the dullest subjects full of fun, no one reads: besides,— "ridentem dicere Verum, quid vetat ?"-And, upon my life, so short a time remains for laughing, that I thought I had better make the most of it. PROTECTION. Are you sure you are quite correct in all your statements? ARISTOCRAT. My dear Madam, I defy the most " devouring boar" from the North, that ever whetted his statistical tusks against the Board of Trade, to root up a figure. PROTECTION. And do you still expect a "Baronetcy from Lord John?"* ARISTOCRAT. Unquestionably: for not one of his soi-disant "friends" has taken half the pains that I have to keep him out of mischief. PROTECTION. But, with your decided opinions, it would scarcely be popular, for the Queen to make you a Baronet. ARISTOCRAT. Then, heaven forbid! Her Majesty should be hauled over the coals on my account! PROTECTION. O, my dear Sir, your well-known loyalty-But why do you write anonymously? * See Letter from a Conservative, &c., page 63. |