"Bill!" said one watchman-tapping his forehead signifi cantly..

"John!" said another watchman-also tapping his forehead significantly.

“Dick!” said a third watchman-likewise tapping his forehead significantly.

Then without saying anything, but exchanging glances of intelligence, all three again tapped their foreheads significantly.

Still the cane whistled in the air, right and left, forward and back, about the head of Statius Humbrar.

"Ha! I had you there, O bandy-legged foot-pad!" cried Humbrar. "And you, longitudinal ruffian! I gave it ye in your midriff, eh? Sessa! Sessa!" his position that of a fencer-cane pushed in front, left hand up, right knee bent, and body between advance and retreat.

At this moment, by a concerted signal, the watchmen rushed in upon Statius, disarmed and pinioned him.

Humbrar burst into tears.

“Men-men! have you the heart to assist my enemies ?" he asked, sobbing.

"Henemies?" replied one of the watch. "Why they is your shadows, you fool!"

"Shadows!" gloomily responded Statius Humbrar. “You mean to quote the old poetical adage- Alas! what shadows we are, and what shadows we pursue!' don't you?"

"No, we doesn't. We means, you was shying at your own shadows, like a drunken man, or hidiot-one or t'other, or both!"

66

Gentlemen, have you ever studied natural philosophy?" interrogated the arrested man.

"What?"

"Natural philosophy."

"No-and none of your himperence, neither!"

"I do not mean to insult you, gentlemen. But I have studied natural philosophy, and I know the laws of optics, and of lights, shadows, and linear perspective. I know, therefore, that you are mistaken, and that no man can cast two shadows

one on the pavement, and one on the wall at his side. No gentlemen, those are not shadows. No, gentlemen, by the laws of perspective, by the laws of optics—"

"Do you hop sticks to the watch 'us, and give us no more of your perplexivies, for they doesn't enlighten us much. Come along with you!" said the watch, dragging Statius Humbrar to the watch-house.

THE SYCOPHANT'S ROAD TO SUCCESS.-CHAS. MACKLIN.

(Enter SIR PERTINAX and EGERTON.)

Sir P. Sir, I wull not hear a word aboot it. I insist upon it, ye are wrong. Ye should ha'e paid your court till my lord, and not ha'e scrupled swallowing a bumper or twa, or twanty, till oblige him!

Eger. Sir, I did drink his toast in a bumper.

Sir P. Yas, ye did; but how ?-how? Just as a cross bairn takes pheesic, wi' wry mouths and sour faces, whach my lord observed; then, to mend the matter, the moment that he and the colonel got intill a drunken dispute aboot releegion, ye slily slunged awa'.

Eger. I thought, sir, it was time to go, when my lord insisted upon half-pint bumpers.

Sir P. Sir, that was not levelled at you, but at the colonel, the captain, and the commissioner, in order till try their bot toms; but they aw agreed that ye and I should drink oot o' smaw glasses.

Eger. But, sir, I beg pardon-I did not choose to drink

any more.

Sir P. But, sir, I tell you there was necessity for your drinking more at this particular juncture.

Eger. A necessity! In what respect, sir?

Sir P. Why, sir, I have a certain point to carry, independent of the lawyers, with my lord, in this agreement of your marriage, aboot whach I am afraid we shall ha'e a warm, crooked squabble; and therefore I wanted your assistance in it.

Eger. But how, sir, could my drinking contribute to assist you in your squabble?

Sir P. Yas, sir, it would ha'e contributed; it might have prevented the squabble.

Eger. How so, sir?

Sir P. Why, sir, my lord is proud of ye for a son-in-law, and of your little French songs, your stories, and your bon mots, when ye are in the humor; and gin ye had but staid, and been a leetle jolly, and drank half a score bumpers wi' him, till he got a little tipsy, I am sure, when we had him i' that tipsy mood, we might ha'e settled the point amongst ourselves before the lawyers came. But noow, sir, I dinna ken what will be the consequence.

Eger. But when a man is intoxicated, would that have been a seasonable time to settle business, sir ?

Sir P. The most seasonable, sir, the most seasonable; for, sir, when my lord is in his cups, his suspeccion and his judgment are baith asleep, and his heart is aw jollity, fun, and gude fellowship. You may then mould his consent to anything; and can there be a happier moment than that for a bargin, or to settle a dispute wi' a friend? What is it you shrug your shoulders at, sir?

Eger. At my own ignorance, sir; for I understand neither the philosophy nor the morality of your doctrine.

Sir P. I ken ye do not, sir; and, what is warse, ye never wull understand it, as ye proceed. In yane word, Charles, I ha'e often tauld ye, and noow again I tell ye yance for aw, that every man should be a man o' the warld, and should understand the doctrine of pleeabeelity; for, sir, the manœuvres of pleeabeelity are as necessary to rise in the warld, as wrangling and logical subtlety are to rise at the bar. Why, ye see, sir, I ha'e acquired a noble fortune, a princely fortune; and hoow ye think I ha'e raised it?

do

Eger. Doubtless, sir, by your abilities.

Sir P. Dootless, sir, ye are a blockhead. Nae, sir, I'll tell ye hoow I raised it, sir; I raised it by boowing-by boowing, sir. I naver in my life could stond straight i' th' presence of

a great mon, but always boowed, and boowed, and boowed, as it were by instinct.

Eger. How do you mean by instinct, sir?

Sir P. Hoow do I mean by instinct? Why, sir, I mean by-by--by instinct of interest, sir, whach is the universal instinct of mankind, sir. It is wonderful to think what a cordial, what an amicable, nay, what an infallible influence, boowing has upon the pride and vanity of human nature. Charles, answer me sincerely, ha'e ye a mind till be convinced of the force of my doctrine, by example and demonstration? ~

Eger. Certainly, sir.

Sir P. Then, sir, as the greatest favor I can confer upon ye, I wull give ye a short sketch of the stages of my boowing, as an excitement and a landmark for ye till boow by, and as an infallible nostrum for a mon o' the warld till thrive i' the warld.

Eger. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience. Sir P. Vary weel. (They both sit down.) And noow, sir, ye must recall till your thoughts, that your grandfather was a mon whose penurious income of half-pay was the sum total of his fortune; and, sir, aw my proveesion fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expartness of areethmetic, and a short system of warldly counsel; the chief ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a reegid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliabeelety of temper, and a constant attention till make every mon weel pleased wi' himself.

Eger. Very prudent advice, sir.

Sir P. Therefore, sir, I lay it before ye. Now, sir, wi' these materials, I set oot, a rough, raw-boned stripling, fra the north, till try my fortune wi' them here i' the south; and my first step intill the warld was a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gor don's counting-house, here i' the city of London, whach, you'll say, afforded but a barren sort of a prospect.

Eger. It was not a very fertile one, indeed, sir.

Sir P. The revearse, the revearse. Well, sir, seeing mysel in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply, I cast aboot my thoughts, and concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang

for the bettering of my condeetion, and accordingly set aboot it. Noow, sir, in this pursuit, beauty-beauty-ah! beauty often struck mine eyne, and played aboot my heart, and fluttered, and beet, and knocked, and knocked, but the deil an entrance I ever let it get; for I observed that beauty is generally a proud. vain, saucy, expensive sort of a commodity Eger. Very justly observed, sir.

Sir P. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford till pay for it, and in its stead, sir,— mark-I luocked oot for an ancient, weel-jointured, superannuated dowager; a consumptive, toothless, phthisicky, wealthy widow; or a shreeveled, cadaverous, neglacted piece of deformity, i' th' shape of an ezard, or an empers-and; or, in short, anything, anything that had the siller, the siller; for that was the north star of my affection. Do take me, sir? Was nae that right?

Eger. O doubtless, doubtless, sir.

ye

Sir P. Noow, sir, where do you think I gaed to luock for this woman wi' th' siller? Nae till court-nae till play-houses or assemblies. Ha, sir! I gaed till the kirk-till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease; and there, at last, sir, I fell upon an old, rich, sour, slighted, antiquated maiden, that luocked-ha! ha! ha! she luocked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass-case! Noow, sir, this meeserable object was angry wi' hersel', and aw the warld; had nae comfort but in a supernatural, enthusiastic deleerium; ha! ha! ha! sir, she was mad-mad as a bedlamite!

Eger. Not improbable, sir; there are numbers of poor creatures in the same enthusiastic condition.

Sir P. Oh! numbers, numbers. Now, sir, this poor, cracked crazy creature used to sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth constantly, morning and evening, at the tabernacle. And as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! gude traith, I plumped me doon upo' my knees close by her, cheek-by-jole, and sung, and sighed, and groaned as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of my eyne, till the strings almost cracked again.