married state, on the other hand, commends itself equally to all men, and did not need an exceptional intelligence to conceive it, although it is true that none but a born poet could have expressed it in such harmonious numbers. Spooase yev accomplished yer pwint-spooase yev vound out what the ways meent, Beginning wi dearly beloved, and endin in coorse with amazement. Ef yer bad temper and whims yo vind yev got moor than yer match in; Ef still o' billin and cooin, yo gets moor o' claain and scratchin; Ef yo expected perfection, and vind yev got nothin oncommen; Ef what you thought wer a angel turns out vor to be but a woman; Ef, like the wisest o' men, a woman yo can't larn the waays o'; Ef yo da thenk you'm tuk in-doant be zuch a vool as to zay zo. Here, admonished, doubtless, by the reflection that he omitted so important a point in his advice to those about to wed, he expresses a hope that the Benedict has not chosen a creature too wise and good for human nature's daily food. Marry a woman, becaas-a angel wont suit ye by no mians. When a angel da marry a man, a circumstans not very common, She either do moulty her wengs, and change vrom a bird to a woman; Or else-thaw wi duty and love yo tries very hard vor ta bind her, She'll vlee to tha wordle above, where yo must luk sharp vor ta vind her. Angels beant fit to live here-woodent it zeem reather shockin, To zee one a-nussin a babby-or weshin- -or mendin a stockin? With respect to the husband's line of conduct, it must, of course, be guided by circumstances; our author does not pretend to lay down rules for all. He speaks liable to correction, as though he were addressing his wife herself. Wi regard ta the tratement o' wives, I mid be right or rong, man; Vor wives be zummut like zider-mooastly zweet when thair young, man. New zider doant suit ould men. I knawed one as stoale zome, But et deddent agree wi he, vor a vound et moor zweet than houlsome. But young men shud hev young wives, and if yev the luck ta get her, Hev one fresh vrom tha reng, and tha zweeter she es the better. This confession of our author's domestic submission appears to have called forth some sneers from his readers, to which he rejoins in the following admirable verses, as wise as Solomon himself ever penned, although expressed with a dissimilarity that extends beyond that of the metre. I hear zome fellow zay-I doant mention who in partikler, I beant afeard o' my wife, like thic fool Agrikler. Ever sence we've been married, I've in zubjection kipt her, Which es actin like a man, and accordin to laa and scripter, Vor doant tha scripter zaay as she es tha waker vessel ? Got no peth in her yarm, and can nither fight nor wrestle. I doant mean ta zaay vrom that, tes zactly tha theng to baste her, But as long as she es my wife I'll let her knaw which is measter. What do I zay to that?-Well-I'll zay as how But as to ets bein a fact, I doant believe a word ont. Ef yo be stupid and blind, a nod's as good as a wenk-zo, I wont zay youm tellin a lie, but own as mebby yo thenk zo. Vor makin yer wife afeard, yo mid be an out and out rum un, But teant in the nater o' thengs vor a man to come awver a woman. She middent scowld nor scream-she middent fight nor scratch ye, But ef youm the divil hiszelf, she 'll vind a waay to match ye. You'll never carry tha daay, wi fears athout any feavours, Vor strict husbands spwile true wives, and tyrants breed desavers. Yer wife and yer childern too (ef yo axe tha rayson why, man), Ef afeard to tell ye tha truth, will be shour to tell ye a lie, man, Vor ef you be a divil-(we doant get fegs vrom briars), Yer childern ull teake aater you, vor tha divil's tha feather o' liars. There are a number of quaint stories in this little volume, for the materials of which our author owns he is indebted to others, but he tells them humorously and well in his peculiar diction. The Bull and the Frog' is excellent; and Sir Walter Scott's well-known story of an Irishman's linen is most pleasantly told under the name of 'A Taile of a Zhirt.' The king who had got all that heart could wish for, yet couldn't be happy, had tried every recipe for being so: He'd zent vor a lot o' docturs (ad got zome money to vool away), Doctur Cockle and Doctur Parr, Doctur Morrison, Doctur Holloway; And thic Jarman doctur, too, as a Scotchmun ud caal a canny man, The shugger-plum doctur, I mean, thic docturDoctur Hannyman, As works zome wunderful cures, or otherguess miakes girt slaughter, Wi' a half a shugger-plum mixd in about dree hogsheads o' waater. And, onless yo shud tiake too much, gies to ye wi this warnin: And ef it doant cure yer complaaint, and act, as thay zes, like a charm, Of one theng yo mid be sartain-teant likely to do ye noo harm. Doctur Lansut and Doctur Leech wer then in girt renown, And thay bleedud un in the yarm, and thay bleedud un furder down; And yet he was not happy. Then, when the docturs ded faail-a sarcumstance not oncommon, Hes majisty's last resoorce, wer the advice of zome ould ooman, Zes she: Thers one theng ull cure yer majisty in a crack, Get the shirt of a happy man, and hev un warm vrom hes back; You'll be happy as tha daay, when once yo gets inzide o'n, Vor the zhirt of a happy man, no blue-divil can abide un.' In accordance with the accepted story, his majesty goes to Rome, to Paris, to Berlin, and though find ing many garments' meade o' tha vinest o' linnin,’' does not discover the article he is in search of the shirt of a happy man. Even in England he is still unfortunate. For aalthaw John Bull wer rich, a werdnt a bit content, Vor hes money wer laayin dead, or vetchin but two per cent. And that ded miake he onhappy-our constitution es zuch, repeat that this is one of the few exceptional cases in which a local dialect is excusable, and heightens the humour of which it is the vehicle. A NERVOUS TRAVELLER THOSE of you who had the pleasure of living in the country four years ago, know how remarkably hot the weather was. Flies and wasps, bees and spiders, struggling for their lives in an ocean of tepid cream, tea-kettles boiling without being put on the fire, haystacks burning of their own accord-these were some of the horrors which characterised the summer of 1868. But if England was hot, Russia was hotter. The temperature was often so high, that India was left, speaking literally, in the shade. It was dangerous to venture out in the sun in the middle of the day; it was spontaneous liquefaction to put one foot before the other. When you tried to put your boots on, you found them full of beetles, who had gone there for the sake of a little shelter. When you had got them on, you called, with all the little voice you had left, for two men and a boot-jack to pull them off again. All the world stood still, or sat still, or lay still, and gave itself up to its fate. You had not the energy to abuse even the mosquito which perched itself on the end of your celestial nose. If you brushed it away, it returned in a moment or two with several lively friends, who converted your face into a battlefield, and dus trenches, soon to be filled with human gore and their own shattered remains. And so you may imagine that I found it no pleasant prospect, in the midst of these annoyances, to contemplate a Moreover, as I was only just recovering from a railway journey from St Petersburg to Berlin. severe illness-brought on by drinking incautiously some of the detestable river-water-I was not in the most charming temper or in the highest spirits. Behold me, however, seated on a four-wheeled drosky, without springs, with a large trunk behind me, and a small hat-box before me, speeding towards the railway station; the strong, wiry little Russian horses pulling with a will, in spite of the fierce glare of the sun; the driver emitting oaths, mingled with a strong odour of onions, Russian leather, sheepskin, and stale tobacco; the passenger holding on for his life, of which he had not much left. At last the station is reached; porters rush hould-forward; away goes my luggage; away goes the drosky on its return passage, the driver suspecting that change will be asked for. That, next wuss to hevin too littel, es hevin a littel too much. And, to hey too much or too littel, ull get a man into a bother, And I never met wi' one yet as werdnt in one ciase Zo tha Keng, disappwinted once moor, saail'd on twerdnt no Fenian. Twer Pat, in hes best and wust cloase, jest comd out vor a holiday, Wi' plenty o' whisky, be shour, hevin a regular jolly daay. And now, jest to siave myzelf trouble, and nither to alter or blot, I'll gie ye tha rest o' tha tail in tha rhymes of Zur Walter Scott. "That's tha chap!' zed tha Keng; 'ketch "Shillelagh!' the Irishmun zed; 'yer plan I'll zoon ket on um walkin. But tha odds as ud Hercules foil, wer too much vor when thay had stripped un, alack! 'Agrikler' uses too many italics, and is sometimes a little coarser than is necessary; but he is an amusing writer, and a great deal of sound sense underlies his fun. The book would be worth reading if it were written in good English; but we There being only two trains during the day which run through to Berlin, you may imagine that they were usually well filled with passengers. After taking my ticket, I took a survey of the had decided on going into one of them, which held compartments. They were all occupied. Just as I evidently excited and hurried, whether this was four persons, I was asked, in French, by a man the train for the continent. I replied in the affir mative, and he, a friend of his, and myself, took our seats. The whistle sounds, and we start. Let me here explain to you the construction of the carriages, which differ from those of both England and America. A door opens in the middle of the side of the carriage. On entering this door you straight forward for about a yard; to the right and left of you are two other passages, at the ends of each of them being a door. The doors open into compartments extending the whole width of the carriage, and capable of seating about eight persons each. Facing the main entrance is a small coupé to hold four people. You will understand, then, that, supposing the middle compartment to be empty, persons occupying the two end compartments are separated from one another by two doors and a long passage-this renders it impossible to overhear what is said or done in either place. If you will keep this in mind, you will readily understand what I am about to relate to you. I examined my two companions over the top of a newspaper. One was a fair, tall, strongly-built man, with moustache and beard; the other, dark, with rather the air of a Frenchman about him. Both were well, yet plainly dressed, but with an amazing profusion of rings on their fingers, set with diamonds, evidently of great value, or else of no value at all. The survey was, on the whole, then, satisfactory, and I buried myself in my paper once more, when, to my astonishment, I heard the dark man say to his friend, in plain, unmistakable English: It is fortunate that we have secured a compartment with so much room in it.' I cannot tell you how much pleased I was once more to have the opportunity of speaking a little English, and I soon joined in the conversation. They seemed at first affable, but soon, no doubt, felt the natural distrust which is so characteristic of John Bull on his travels. However, it turned out that although they spoke English, it was here and there interspersed with a slight smattering of Artemus Wardism.' They both belonged to the northern states, and our reserve soon wore off as we argued out the respective claims of Federals and Confederates. I need not tell you that both my companions had travelled a great deal. I never met an American who had not! Long tongues of fire darted out here and there, and scorched the carriages. If I were an adept at word-painting, I would attempt to describe the scene, but it was far beyond anything I could make you feel or understand. A quarter of a mile or so of this, and we left the fire behind us, only too thankful to have escaped so easily. And now we began to make our preparations for going to sleep. My two fellow-travellers were evidently old hands at this sort of thing. They took off their coats, and folded them into pillows; their collars and ties were neatly pinned to the wall of the carriage; slippers replaced their boots; and after spreading a large silk handkerchief over their coats by way of a pillow-case, and getting out their travelling rugs, they were ready for bed. In the netting over my head was placed a small carpet-bag belonging to the latter man of the two, whom I will call Douglas. He and Brookes, his companion, lay down on the seat opposite to me, thus leaving me the other seat all to myself; Brookes with his head next to the window, and his face towards me; I with my face turned towards him, so close that I could almost have touched him. Douglas lay on the opposite seat, with his head next the other window, and also facing me. This prolix statement is necessary to make you understand my story. Under my head was an overcoat, in the pocket of which reposed a six-barrelled revolver, an old travelling companion, so that by merely putting my hand under my head, I could place my finger on the trigger. However, scarcely a feeling of suspicion crossed my mind. Douglas asked me if I objected to having the curtain drawn over the lamp. Of course not.' This done, we could just see one another, but very indistinctly. Then he lay down again, and there was a dead silence. The train went on and on, not a house to be seen through the thick forests. Suddenly a thought flashed upon me: What would be easier than to They had gone to the very extremity of the line rob a man, and throw him out of the window? of rail which was then being laid down from He would lie in the forest, and soon the wolves Moscow to the East. They had slept with the would find him out, and disperse all traces of him, workmen in the open air, and snored away quite eating his seal-skin waistcoat with as much relish calmly among a horde of semi-barbarians. Of as his carcass.' I laughed to myself. How absurd course, one of them had been to Jerusalem to see this is,' said I. I have no reason for suspecting how they were getting on with the excavations these men.' True, they had been whispering there. We got on well together, and were on together, and their rings were rather too numersufficiently intimate terms at the end of the day ous. 'But what a fool I am. I will go to sleep; to agree to sleep in the same carriage. The win- at anyrate, I am tired enough.' dows were double, and only half of the double window would open; the seats were thickly cushioned. The sun had been shining in through the double glass upon our unfortunate heads, so that we were only too glad to solace ourselves with iced beer and execrable claret at the few stations For miles and miles we went on through thick forests, without seeing a single house. And then the evening came; and after the sun had set, the air seemed almost as sultry as before. We dined together, and then adjourned to an end compartment of another carriage. A lamp had been lighted in it, and there was a curtain, which, when drawn over the lamp, rendered the carriage almost dark. Soon after we left the station where we had dined, a sudden glare of light burst upon us; we felt the train quickening its speed, and a moment or two we were overpowered by a suffocating smoke. We closed the windows, and found that the forest on each side of us was in flames. we saw. I had scarcely closed my eyes, when, in the stillness, I heard a sharp quick sound-click.' I held my breath, and listened; every nerve strained to the utmost. 'That sounds to me very much like the sound of a pistol being cocked. Absurd; no one carries pistols now. Americans, especially, always carry revolvers.' Again, click. This is the second time,' I thought. Still not a trace of any movement. The rug under which Douglas was sleeping at the other end of the carriage, and from which the sound came, did not move. I noiselessly passed my hand under my head, and felt for my six-shooter. Thank God, it was there. I grasped it, and laid my finger on the trigger; and thinking of the favourite plan of shooting a man through one's pocket, I turned the muzzle of my trusty friend towards Douglas. All this without speaking a word. I; 'He will have the first shot, at anyrate,' thought but I shall be able to return it before he has fired a second. But alone with two men, who are doubtless armed, I shall have a poor chance.' I cannot tell you the rapidity with which the thoughts went through my mind-thoughts of sin unabsolved, strangely intermingled with others of calm, unpitying hate towards my enemy. But I remained silent. Once more a sharp click. I nearly fired-thank God, I did not-and then again, click, click, click, in quick succession. Ah, my friend,' thought I, I see what you are about; you are turning your revolver round, in order to place the caps on the nipples.' And again, click, click. I could not help it. I strung myself up to the task, and asked with a cold calmness which makes me almost shudder to think of it: What the devil is that noise?' 'I am only winding up my watch !' What an idiot I am, and doubtless you will all concur in the statement. Very well; wait a little. I immediately wound up my own watch, which had been forgotten, and determined to go to sleep. 'What is the use of all these absurd suspicions?' I reasoned. At last, with my hand on my revolver, I went to sleep. I slept well, but awoke suddenly. No! Yes! There, as plain as possible, stood Douglas by my side. The hammer of my revolver was raised within a hair's-breadth of the point at which it would fall and strike the cap. Should I fire or not? In the dead of night, to be roused suddenly from one's sleep is startling, but to see a man stooping over you when you do awake, is decidedly very startling indeed, especially if you have reason to suspect him of bad intentions. And now, with my finger pressed firmly upon the trigger, but without any attempt to leap to my feet, as I had at first thought of doing, I watched him. He looked hard at me. I did not move, and then I saw him take out something which glittered in the moonlight: it was a key. And then he leaned over me. Then said I with a feeling of rage in my heart: What on earth are you doing?' He was so startled, that he almost fell backwards. This sudden movement nearly made me fire; and then he answered: I am only going to take something out of my bag.' This bag, as I told you, was in the netting over my head; hence he was obliged to lean over me to reach it. I said, very bad-temperedly: Take it down, then.' He muttered to himself, and got the bag down. He little thought that there was only a hair's-breadth between him and death. If he could have looked through my rug, he would have seen the muzzle of my revolver pointed to his heart. He turned aside, keeping an eye on me all the while, and took something from his bag. What it was, I could not see. Then he went back and lay down, and all was still. What was it he had taken from his bag? I could not sleep; I dared not turn my back to them both. They lay so quietly without a sound of breathing that I was sure they were not asleep. At length, by way of hastening matters, I pretended to sleep; I breathed heavily; I do not know whether I did not give a snore. However, nothing happened. I grew more and more sleepy; I was worn out, ill as I was, with the fatigues of my long journey. Soon, however, the train stopped. This was the 면 only station at which we should pause for the next six or seven hours. I got a strong cup of coffee, and returned. I was determined not to change into another carriage; I was determined to conquer these foolish feelings, no doubt created by the wretched state of my nerves. I opened the door of my compartment, and paused for a moment near to the seat where Douglas was lying. That moment, as I afterwards found, nearly cost me my life. With a voice like thunder, Douglas leaped to his feet, and asked me what I was doing. With inexpressible politeness, I answered that I had been into the station: I wondered if he wished to pick a quarrel with me. He did not reply, except by a surly grumble. I went and lay down as before; I could not keep awake. At last, giving myself up to my fate, turned my face to the wall of the carriage, and with my revolver in my hand, went off into a sound sleep. The next morning came. Went into the station and performed our scanty ablutions together. And then, all looking very tired, and very thankful that day had come, we gradually began to talk with civility to one another. Douglas asked me what kind of a night I had passed. I laughed and said: 'Not a very good one' 'For my part,' said he, 'I did not sleep a wink the whole night.' At last, the whole reason of these alarms came out. The night before, when we were getting ready for bed, he had noticed the butt of my revolver sticking out of my pocket. This aroused his suspicions. He began, as I had done, to think over what might happen. He thought of me at Baden-Baden with his bank-notes, and of himself lying out in the woods, and of the affec tion those wolves would have for a full-sized American; and so his nerves were shaky, just as mine had been. His suspicions were also aroused by the way in which I had asked what the noise was when he was winding up his watch. At last he could not rest, and, going very gently and with great caution, lest he should arouse the slumbering lion with the revolver, he unlocked his bag, and drew out of it a formidable six-shooter also. He knew of the plan of firing without exposing one's weapon to sight, and expected, he said, to feel my bullet every moment as he stood exposed with his arms raised to the netting over my head. Then, when I came in from the station, he was suddenly aroused from a doze, and it was with the greatest difficulty, for a moment, that he refrained from firing. Had either of us given way to our first impulse, we should probably have gone on firing our six barrels at one another until one of us could fire no longer, and then the other would have had to pop the body through the window, and say no more about it, and, whether confessing the fact or not, have run a good chance of being sent off to the mines of Siberia without any more questions being asked. After a mutual explosion of laughter, we became excellent friends, and travelled together in much harmony to Berlin. The moral I draw from this adventure is, a word and a blow, but the word first. Printed and Published by W. & R. CHAMBERS, 47 Pater noster Row, LONDON, and 339 High Street, EDINBUBUL Also sold by all Booksellers. CHAMBERS'S JOURNAL No. 465. POPULAR LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART: CONDUCTED BY WILLIAM AND ROBERT CHAMBERS. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1872. BURGLARIOUSLY AND FELONIOUSLY. WE had just locked up the safe, and I had put the key in my pocket-I am the accountant of the North and South of England Bank at its Padsey Branch, W. R. Yorks.-I had got my hat on, and had taken up my umbrella, when a man came running into the bank with a bag of money in his hand. PRICE 14. force of habit, I'd almost got home before I remembered the bag of money. It was vexing, too, because we had a tea-party that night, the first since our marriage, and it began at six o'clock, and I'd promised to be home an hour earlier, to draw the corks and help to get things ready. And here it was six o'clock, and I had to go all the way back to the bank. All the way back I went as hard as I could pelt. However, the money was all right in my desk, and now I'd put it in the safe. 'Tell Mr Cousins'-our 'Am I in time?' he cried. I shook my head. 'Deuce take it!' he said; and I'm off to Liverpool by the next train, and then to Ame-manager, you know--I said to the servant who'd let rica.' 'Sorry for it,' I said; but we can't take the money.' 'Well, then, what is to be done? Here's twenty-two thousand pounds in this bag, and those drafts of mine come due in a couple of days. Well, you'll have to take 'em up,' he said; 'I can't, unless you take the money in to-night.' me in, that I want the key of the safe.' But you had it in your pocket, say you; which shews that you are not acquainted with the rules and regulations of the North and South of England Bank, which say that the accountant or chief-cashier shall be responsible for the due custody of the cash whilst it is in his possession in the daytime, and that at night all moneys and securities shall I knew that those drafts were coming due, and be carefully secured within the office safe, which that our manager was a little anxious about shall be secured by two keys, one of which shall them, for they were rather heavy, and the other be in the custody of the manager, and the second names on them were not very good. Black, too, in that of the accountant or cashier. But, you say —that was the man with the money-bag-Black again, as long as you had one key, what did you was a capital customer; and not only a good cus- want with two? There, I own, the regulations are tomer himself, but he brought good accounts with obscure. They were drawn up by somebody withhim, and we were a young branch and on our out any literary skill; if they'd consulted me about mettle. 'em, I could have suggested a good many improveWell, here was the money to meet the drafts,ments. What they meant to say was, that the safe anyhow, and I should have been a great fool to send it away just because it was after-hours. So I counted it all over: there was about nineteen thousand in cheques and notes, and three thousand in gold. 'Come and have a glass of beer with me,' said Black, 'on the way to the station.' I put the bag of money in my desk, and locked it up. I would come back presently, and have it placed in the safe. I walked to the station with Black; we had some beer together, and then he went off Americawards, and I on the way to Nemophillar Villas. You see, I was rather in the habit of calling for a glass of beer as I went home, and then going on; and, consequently, from the was to be secured by two locks, and that a key of each, not interchangeable the one with the other, was to be in the custody, &c. Now you understand why I wanted Mr Cousins' key. 6 "Eh, my!' said the servant, opening her mouth wide, and what might you want Mr Cousins' key for?' Just as stupid as you, you see. I was mad with the girl. I own I always get out of temper with those Yorkshire people. If you ask 'em the simplest question, first they open their mouths and gape at you. When you've repeated the question twice, they shut their mouths and think for a bit. Then the idea seems to reach the thing that does duty with 'em for brains, and excites a sort of reflex |
