focated by rage, was overpowered by the swinish accompaniment. Some little attention was, however, drawn to the noise amongst those who slept near to the yard: but on the waiter's assuring them that it was "only a great pig who would soon be quiet,' that the key could not be found, and no lock-smith was in the way at that time of night; the remon strants were obliged to betake themselves to the same remedy of patience which by this time seemed to Mr. Jeremiah also the sole remedy left to himself. CHAPTER XIX. Whose end reconciles our Hero with its beginning. Mr. Schnackenberger's howling had (as the waiter predicted) gradually died away, and he was grimly meditating on his own miseries, to which he had now lost all hope of seeing an end before day-light, when the sudden rattling of a key at the yard door awakened flattering hopes in his breast. It proved to be the waiter, who came to make a gaol delivery-and on letting him out said, "I am commissioned by the gentlemen to secure your silence;" at the same time putting into his hand a piece of gold. "The dI take your gold!" said Mr. Schnackenberger: "is this the practice at your house-first to abuse your guests, and then have the audacity to offer them money?" "Lord protect us!" said the waiter, now examining his face, "is it you? but who would ever have looked for you in such a dress as this? The gentlemen took you for one of the police. Lord! to think what a trouble you'll have had!" And it now came out, that a party of foreigners had pitched upon Mr. Jeremiah's room as a convenient one for playing at hazard and some other forbidden games; and to prevent all disturbance from the police, had posted their servants, who spoke not a word of German, as sentinels at the door. "But how came you to let my room for such a purpose?” "Because we never expected to see you to-night; we had heard that the gentleman in the dreadnought had been taken up at the theatre, and committed. But the gentlemen are all gone now; and the room's quite at your service." Mr. Schnackenberger, however, who had lost the first part of the night's sleep from suffering, was des tined to lose the second from pleasure: for the waiter now put into his hands the following billet: "No doubt you must have waited for me to no purpose in the passages of the theatre: but alas! our firmest resolutions we have it not always in our power to execute; and on this occasion, I found it quite impossible consistently with decorum to separate myself from my attendants. Will you therefore attend the hunt tomorrow morning? there I hope a better opportunity will offer.” It added to his happiness on this occasion that the Princess had manifestly not detected him as the man in the dreadnought. CHAPTER XX. In which Mr. Schnackenberger acts upon the ambitious feelings of a man in office for an amiable purpose. Next morning, when the Provostmarshal came to fetch back the appointments of the military wig-maker, it struck our good-natured student that he had very probably brought the poor fellow into an unpleasant scrape. He felt, therefore, called upon as a gentleman, to wait upon the Mayor, and do his best to beg him off. In fact, he arrived just in time for all the arrangements were complete for demonstrating to the poor wig-maker, by an à posteriori line of argument, the import ance of valour in his new employment. Mr. Schnackenberger entreated the Mayor to be lenient: courage, he said, wasnot every man's business: as a wigmaker, the prisoner could have had little practice in that virtue: the best of wigs were often made by cowards: "and even as a soldier," said he, "it's odds if there should be such another alarm for the next hundred years." But all in vain: his judge was too much incensed: "Such a scandalous dereliction of duty!" said he; "No, no: I must make an example of him.' Hereupon, Mr. Jeremiah observed, that wig-makers were not the only people who sometimes failed in the point of courage: "Nay," said he, I have known even mayors who by no means shone in that department of duty: and in particular, I am acquainted with some who would look exceedingly blue, aye d-lish blue indeed, if a student whom I have the honour to know should take it into his head to bring before the public a little incident in which they figured, embellished with wood-cuts, representing a retreat by forced marches towards a bell in the background." Mr. Mayor changed colour; and pausing a little to think, at length he said- Sir, you are in the right; every man has his weak moments. But it would be unhandsome to expose them to the scoffs of the public." "Why, yes, upon certain condi◄ tions." "Which conditions I comply with," said his worship; and forthwith he commuted the punishment for a reprimand and a short confinement. On these terms Mr. Schnackenberger assured him of his entire silence with respect to all that had passed. CHAPTER XXI. In which the Hopes of two Lovers are wrecked at once. "Beg your pardon, Sir, are you Mr. Schnackenberger?" said a young man to our hero, as he was riding out of the city gate. "Yes, Sir, I'm the man; what would you have with me?" and, at the same time looking earnestly at him, he remembered his face amongst the footmen on the birth-night. "At the Forester's house-about eleven o'clock," whispered the man mysteriously. "Very good," said Mr. Schnackenberger, nodding significantly; and forthwith, upon the wings of rapturous anticipation, he flew to the place of rendezvous. On riding into the Forester's courtyard, among several other open carriages, he observed one lined with celestial blue, which, with a strange grossness of taste, exhibited upon the cushions a medley of hams, sausages, &c. On entering the house, he was at no loss to discover the owner of the carriage; for in a window-seat of the bar sate the landlady of the Golden Sow, no longer in widow's weeds, but arrayed in colours brighter than a bed of tulips. Mr. Schnackenberger was congratulating himself on his quarrel with her, which he flattered himself must preclude all amicable intercourse, when she saw him, and to his horror approached with a smiling countenance. Some overtures towards reconciliation he saw were in the wind: but, as these could not be listened to except on one condi tion, he determined to meet her with a test question: accordingly, as she drew near, simpering and languishing, "Have you executed?" said he abruptly, "Have you executed?" "Have I what?" said Mrs. Sweetbread. "Executed? Have you executed the release?" "Oh! you bad man! But come now: I know " At this moment, however, up came some acquaintances of Mrs. Sweetbread's, who had ridden out to see the hunt; and, whilst her attention was for one moment drawn off to them, Mr. Schnackenberger slipped unobserved into a parlour: it was now half-past ten by the Forester's clock; and he resolved to wait here until the time fixed by the Princess. Whilst sitting in this situation, he heard in an adjoining room (separated only by a slight partition) his own name often repeated: the voice was that of Mr. Von Pilsen; loud laughter followed every sentence; and on attending more closely, Mr. Schnackenberger perceived that he was just terminating an account of his own adventures at the Golden Sow, and of his consequent embroilment with the amorous landlady. All this, however, our student would have borne with equanimity. But next followed a disclosure which mortified his vanity in the uttermost degree. A few words sufficed to unfold to him that Mr. Von Pilsen, in concert with the waiter of the Double-barreled Gun and that young female attendant of the Princess, whose kitten had been persecuted by Juno, had framed the whole plot, and had written the letters which Mr. Schnackenberger had ascribed to her Highness. He had scarce patience to hear out the remainder. In some way or other, Von Pilsen had so far mistaken our hero, as to pronounce him "chicken-hearted:" and upon this ground, he invited his whole audience to an evening party at the publie rooms of the Double-barreled Gun-where he promised to play off Mr. Schnackenberger as a glorious exhibition for this night only. Furious with wrath, and moreover anxious to escape before Von Pilsen and his party should see him, and know that this last forgery no less than the others had succeeded in duping him into a punctual observance of the appointment, Mr. Schnackenberger rushed out of the room, seized his horse's bridle-and was just on the point of mounting, when up came his female tormentor, Mrs. Sweetbread. "Come, come, now," said she, smiling in her most amiable manner; we were both under a mistake yesterday morning: and both of us were too hasty. The booby of a lad took you to the Gun, when you wanted nothing but the Sow: you were a little fresh,' and didn't know it; and I thought you did it on purpose. But I know better now. And here I am to fetch you back to the Sow: so come along and we'll forget and forgive on both sides." So saying, she would have taken his arm most lovingly: but Mr. Schnackenberger stoutly refused. He had nothing to do with her but to pay his bill; he wanted nothing of her but his back-sword, which he had left at the Sow; and he made a motion towards his stirrup. But Mrs. Sweetbread laid her hand upon his arm, and asked him tenderly-if her person were then so utterly disgusting to him that, upon thus meeting him again by his own appointment, he had at once forgotten all his proposals? "Proposals! what proposals?" shrieked the persecuted student; "Appointment! what appoint ment? JUNE, 1823. "Oh you base, low-lived villain! don't you go for to deny it, now: didn't you offer to be reconciled? didn't you bid me to come here, that we might settle all quietly in the forest? Aye, and we will settle it: and nothing shall ever part us more; nothing in the world; for what God has joined "Drunken old witch! interrupted Mr. Jeremiah, now sufficiently admonished by the brandy fumes which assailed him as to the proximate cause of Mrs. Sweetbread's boldness; "seek lovers elsewhere." And hastily turning round to shake her off, he perceived to his horror that an immense crowd had by this time assembled behind them. In the rear, and standing upon the steps of the Forester's house, stood Von Pilsen and his party, convulsed with laughter; immediately below them was the whole body of the hunters, who had called here for refreshment upon whose faces struggled a mixed expression of merriment and wonder: and at the head of the whole company stood a party of butchers and butchers' boys returning from the hunt, whose fierce looks and gestures made it evident that they sympathized with the wrongs of Mrs. Sweetbread, the relict of a man who had done honour to their body-and were prepared to avenge them in any way she might choose. mean time, whose whole mighty love was converted into mighty hatred by the opprobrious words and fierce repulse of Mr. Schnackenberger, called heaven and earth, and all present, to witness her wrongs; protested that he had himself appointed the meeting at the Forest-house; and in confirmation drew forth a letter. She, At sight of the letter, a rattling peal of laughter from Mr. Von Pilsen left no room to doubt, in our student's mind, from whose witty manufactory it issued; and a rattling peal of wrath from the butchers' boys left no room to doubt in any body's mind what would be its consequences. The letter was, in fact, pretty much what Mrs. Sweetbread alleged: it contained a large and unlimited offer of Mr. Schnackenberger's large and unlimited person; professed an ardour of passion which could brook no delay; and entreated her to grant him an interview for the 2 X final arrangement of all preliminaries at the Forest-house. Whilst this letter was reading, Mr. Schnackenberger perceived that there was no time to be lost: no Juno, unfortunately, was present, no "deus ex machinâ" to turn the scale of battle, which would obviously be too unequal, and in any result (considering the quality of the assailants) not very glorious. So, watching his opportunity, he vaulted into his saddle, and shot off like an arrow. Up went the roar of laughter from Von Pilsen and the hunters: up went the roar of fury from the butchers and their boys in the twinkling of an eye all were giving chase; showers of stones sang through the trees; threats of vengeance were in his ears; butchers' dogs were at his horse's heels; butchers' curses were on the wind; a widow's cries hung upon his flight. The hunters joined in the pursuit; a second chase was before them; Mr. Pilsen had furnished them a second game. Again did Mr. Schnackenberger perspire exceedingly; once again did Mr.Schnackenberger "funk" enormously; yet, once again did Mr. Schnackenberger shiver at the remembrance of the Golden Sow, and groan at the name of Sweetbread. He retained, however, presence of mind enough to work away at his spurs incessantly; nor ever once turned his head until he reached the city gates, which he entered at the pas de charge, thanking heaven that he was better mounted than on his first arrival at B-, CHAPTER XXII. It never rains but it pours. Rapidly as Mr. Schnackenberger drove through the gates, he was arrested by the voice of the warder, who cited him to instant attendance at the town-hall. Within the memory of man, this was the first time that any business had been transacted on a holiday; an extraordinary sitting was now being held; and the prisoner under examination was Juno. "Oh! heaven and its mercies! when will my afflictions cease?" said the exhausted student; "when shall I have a respite? Respite there could be none at present; for the case was urgent; and, unless Juno could find good bail, she was certain of being committed on three very serious charges of, 1. trespass; 2. assault and battery; 3. stealing in a dwelling-house. The case was briefly this: Juno had opened so detestable an overture of howling on her master's departure for the forest, that the people at the Double-barreled Gun, out of mere consideration for the city of B had found it necessary to set her at liberty; whereupon, as if the devil drove her, forthwith the brute had gone off in search of her old young enemy the kitten, at the hotel of the princess. She beat up the kitten's quarters again; and again she drove in the enemy pell-mell into her camp in the kitchen. The young mistress of the kitten, out of her wits at seeing her darling's danger, had set down a pail of milk, in which she was washing a Brussels' veil and a quantity of Mechlin lace belonging to the princess-and hurried her kitten into a closet. In a moment she returned, and found-milk, Brussels' veil, Mechlin lace, vanished-evaporated into Juno's throat, "abiit-evasit-excessit- erupit ! only the milk-pail, upon some punctilio of delicacy in Juno, was still there; and Juno herself stood by, complacently licking her milky lips, and expressing a lively satisfaction with the texture of Flanders' manufactures. The princess, vexed at these outrages on her establishment, sent a message to the town-council, desiring that banishment for life might be inflicted on a dog of such revolutionary principles, whose presence (as she understood) had raised a general consternation throughout the city of B Mr. Mayor, however, had not for→ gotten the threatened report of a certain retreat to a bell, illustrated by wood cuts; and, therefore, after assuring her highness of his readiness to serve her, he added, that measures would be adopted to prevent similar aggressions-but that unhappily, from peculiar circumstances connected with this case, no further severities could be inflicted. Meantime, while this note was writing, Juno had contrived to liberate herself from arrest. Scarce had she been absent three minutes, when in rushed to the towncouncil the eternal enemy of the mayor-Mr. Deputy Recorder. The large goose's liver, the largest, perhaps, that for some centuries had been bred and born in B-, and which was destined this very night to have solemnized the anniversary of Mrs. Deputy Recorder's birth; this liver, and no other, had been piratically attacked, boarded, and captured, in the very sanctuary of the kitchen," by that flibustier (said he) that buccaneer-that Paul Jones of a Juno." Dashing the tears from his eyes, Mr. Deputy Recorder went on to perorate; "I ask,” said he, "whether such a Kentucky marauder ought not to be outlawed by all nations, and put to the ban of civilized Europe? If not"-and then Mr. Deputy paused for effect, and struck the table with his fist-" if not, and such principles of jacobinism and French philosophy are to be tolerated; then, I say, there is an end to social order and religion: Sansculotterie, Septemberising, and red nightcaps, will flourish over once happy Europe; and the last and best of kings, and our most shining lights, will follow into the same bottomless abyss, which has already swallowed up (and his voice faltered)-my liver. "Lights and liver!" said Mr. Schnackenberger; "I suppose you mean liver and lights; but, lord! Mr. Recorder, what a bilious view you take of the case! Your liver weighs too much in this matter; and where that happens, a man's judgment is sure to be jaundiced." However, the council thought other wise: Mr. Deputy's speech had produced a deep impression; and, upon his motion, they adjudged that, in twelve hours, Juno should be con ducted to the frontiers of the city lands, and there solemnly outlawed: after which it should be free to all citizens of B to pursue her with fire and sword; and even before that period, if she were met without a responsible guide. Mr. Schnackenberger pleaded earnestly for an extension of the armistice: but then arose, for the second time, with Catonic severity of aspect, Mr. Deputy Recorder; he urged so powerfully the necessity of uncompromising principle in these dangerous times, insisted so cogently on the false hu manity of misplaced lenity, and wound up the whole by such a pathetic array of the crimes committed by Juno-of the sausages she had robbed, the rabbits she had strangled, the porcelain she had fractured, the raspberry-vinegar she had spilt, the mutton she had devoted to chops ("her own chops,' remember," said Mr. Schnackenberger), the Brussels' veil, and the Mechlin lace, which she had swallowed, the domestic harmony which she had disturbed, the laws of the land which she had insulted and outraged, the peace of mind which she had invaded, and, finally," (said he) "as if all this were not enough, the liver-the goose's livermy liver-my unoffending liver("and lights," said Mr. Schnackenberger) which she has burglariously and inhumanly immolated to her brutal propensities:" on all this Mr. Deputy executed such a bravura, and the sins of Juno chased each other so rapidly, and assumed so scarlet a hue, that the council instantly negatived her master's proposition; the single dissentient voice being that of Mr. Mayor, who, with tears in his eyes, conjured Mr. Schnackenberger not to confound the innocent with the guilty. CHAPTER XXIII. 66 dren, kittens, deputy-recorders, rabbits, cooks, legs of mutton, to say nothing of goose-livers, sausages, haunches of venison, and "quilts.' In which Misfortune empties her last Vial upon the Head of Mr. Schnackenberger. Exhausted by the misfortunes of the day, towards evening Mr. Jeremiah was reposing at his length, and smoking in the window-seat of his room. Solemn clouds of smoke expressed the gloomy vapours which rested on his brain. The hours of Juno's life, it seemed to him, were numbered; every soul in B-was her sworn foe-bipeds and quadrupeds, men, women, dogs, cats, chil If he were to take country-lodgings for her, and to send her out of B- -, what awaited her there? Whither could she go, but some butcher-some butter-woman-some rough-rider or other had a private account to settle with her? Un |