-Though if he gets a gig or top-Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them,—they should have where to secure it.

Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy, replied my mother.

-But don't you think it right? added my father, pressing the point home to her.

Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. Shandy.

-There's for you! cried my father, losing temper-Pleases me !-You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.

I

LXXIV

Mrs. Shandy is too complacent again

you,

Mr.

HAVE an article of news to tell Shandy, quoth my mother, which will surprise you greatly.

Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my my

mother broke silence.

"My brother Toby, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs. Wadman."

-Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives. It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother never asked the meaning of a thing she did not understand.

-That she is not a woman of science,

my father

would say is her misfortune-but she might ask a question.

My mother never did.—In short, she went out of the world at last without knowing whether it turned round, or stood still.—My father had officiously told her above a thousand times which way it was, but she always forgot.

For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt them, than a proposition, -a reply, and a rejoinder; at the end of which, it generally took breath for a few minutes (as in the affairs of the breeches), and then went on again.

If he marries, 'twill be the worse for us,-quoth my mother.

Not a cherry-stone, said my father, he may as well batter away his means upon that, as anything else.

-To be sure, said my mother: so here ended he proposition, the reply,—and the rejoinder, I old you of.

It will be some amusement to him, too,—said my father.

A very great one, answered my mother, if he

should have children.

-Lord have mercy upon me,—said my father to himself.

LXXV

Miss Tabitha is annoyed

DOCTOR LEWS,

To DR. LEWIS

GIVE me leaf to tell you, methinks you mought employ your talons better, than to encourage

servants to pillage their masters. I find by Gwyllim, that Villiams has got my skin; for which he is an impotent rascal. He has not only got my skin, but, moreover, my butter-milk to fatten his pigs; and, I suppose, the next thing he gets, will be my pad to carry his daughter to church and fair: Roger gets this, and Roger gets that; but I'd have you to know, I won't be rogered at this rate by any ragmatical fellow in the kingdom. And I am surprised, Doctor Lews, you would offer to put my affairs in composition with the refuge and skim of the hearth. I have toiled and moyled to a good purpuss, for the advantage of Matt's family, if I can't safe as much owl as will make me an under-petticoat. As for the butter-milk, ne'er a pig in the parish shall thrust his snout in it, with my good-will. There's a famous physician at the Hot-Well, that prescribes it to his patience, when the case is consumptive; and the Scots and Irish have begun to drink it already, in such quantities, that there is not a drop left for the hogs in the whole neighbourhood of Bristol. I'll have our buttermilk barrelled up, and sent twice a week to Aberginny, where it may be sold for a halfpenny the quart; and so Roger may carry his pigs to another market. I hope, Doctor, you will not go to put any more such phims in my brother's head, to the prejudice of my pockat; but rather give me some raisins (which hitherto you have not done) to subscribe myself,-Your humble servant, TAB. BRAMble.

Bath, May 19.

LXXVI

Winifred breaks the great news

To MRS. MARY JONES, at BRAMBLETONHALL

MRS. JONES,

PROVIDENCE hath bin pleased to make great halteration in the pasture of our affairs. We were yesterday three kiple chined, by the grease of God, in the holy bands of mattermoney; and I now subscrive myself Loyd at your sarvice. All the parish allowed that young Squire Dallison and his bride was a comely pear for to see. As for Madam Lashmiheygo; you nose her picklearities; her head, to be sure, was fintistical; and her spouse had rapt her with a long marokin furze clock from the land of the selvedges, thof they say it is of immense bally. The Captain himself had a hudge hassock of air, with three tails, and a tumtawdry coat, boddered with sulfur. Wan said he was a monkey-bank; and the ould butler swore he was the born imich of Titidall. For my part, I says nothing, being as how the Captain has done the handsome thing by me. Mr. Loyd was dressed in a little frog and checket with gould binding; and thof he don't enter in coparison with great folks of quality, yet he has got as good blood in his veins as arrow private squire in the county; and then his pursing is far from contentible. Your humble sarvant had on a plain pea green tabby sack, with my Runnela cap, ruff toupee, and side curls. They said, I was the very

model of Lady Rickmanstone, but not so pale; that may well be, for her ladyship is my elder by seven good years and more. Now, Mrs. Mary, our satiety is to suppurate. Mr. Millfart goes to Bath along with the Dallisons, and the rest of us push home to Wales, to pass our Christmarsh at Brampletonhall. As our apartments is to be the yallow pepper, in the thurd story, pray carry my things thither. Present my compliments to Mrs. Gwillim, and I hope she and I will live upon dissent terms of civility. Being, by God's blessing, removed to a higher spear, you'll excuse my being familiar with the lower sarvants of the family; but, as I trust you'll behave respectful, and keep a proper distance, you may always depend upon the good-will and purtection of,-Yours, W. LOYD.

Nov. 20.

LXXVII

Mrs. Malaprop on education

MRS. MALAPROP. There's a little intricate hussy for you!

SIR ANTHONY ABSOLUTE. It is not to be wondered at, maʼam-all this is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read. Had I a thousand daughters, by Heaven! I'd as soon have them taught the black art as their alphabet ! MRS. MAL. Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an absolute misanthropy.

SIR ANTH. In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming forth from a