LXXI Hostess Quickly remonstrates LORD CHIEF JUSTICE. How comes this, Sir John Fie! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own? FALSTAFF. What is the gross sum that I owe thee? HOSTESS. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphinchamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us she had a good dish of prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy bookoath deny it, if thou canst. FAL. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says up and down the town that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress against them. LXII Lady Wishfort and decorums LADY WISHFORT. Ay, dear Foible; thank thee for that, dear Foible. He has put me out of all patience. I shall never recompose my features to receive Sir Rowland with any economy of face. This wretch has fretted me that I am absolutely decayed. Look, Foible. FOIBLE. Your ladyship has frowned a little too rashly, indeed, madam. There are some cracks discernible in the white varnish. LADY WISH. Let me see the glass-cracks, sayest thou?-why, I am errantly flayed-I look like an old peeled wall. Thou must repair me, Foible, before Sir Rowland comes, or I shall never keep up to my picture. FOIB. I warrant you, madam, a little art once made your picture like you; and now a little of the same art must make you like your picture. Your picture must sit for you, madam. LADY WISH. But art thou sure Sir Rowland will not fail to come? or will he not fail when he does come? Will he be importunate, Foible, and push? For if he should not be importunate, I shall never break decorums :-I shall die with confusion, if I am forced to advance.—Oh no, I can never advance !-I shall swoon if he should expect advances. No, I hope Sir Rowland is better bred than to put a lady to the necessity of breaking her forms. I won't be too coy, neither. -I won't give him despair-but a little disdain is not amiss; a little scorn is alluring. FOIB. A little scorn becomes your ladyship. LADY WISH. Yes, but tenderness becomes me best-a sort of dyingness—you see that picture has a sort of a-ha, Foible! a swimmingness in the eye-yes, I'll look so-my niece affects it; but she wants features. Is Sir Rowland handsome ? Let my toilet be removed-I'll dress above. I'll receive Sir Rowland here. Is he handsome? Don't answer me. I won't know: I'll be surprised, I'll be taken by surprise. FOIB. By storm, madam, Sir Rowland's a brisk man. LADY WISH. Is he! O then he 'll importune, if he's a brisk man. I shall save decorums if Sir Rowland importunes. I have a mortal terror at the apprehension of offending against decorums. O, I'm glad he's a brisk man. Let my things be removed, good Foible. LXXIII Mrs. Shandy in a curtain talk E should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my mother's, as he opened the debate-We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches.— We should so, said my mother.—We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully. I think we do, Mr. Shandy, said my mother. -Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunics.. He does look very well in them,—replied my mother. . -And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of 'em. -It would so, said my mother :-But indeed he is growing a very tall lad,—rejoined my father. -He is very tall for his age, indeed, said my mother. -I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.I cannot conceive, for my life, said my mother. Humph! said my father. (The dialogue ceased for a moment.) -I am very short myself,-continued my father gravely. You are very short, Mr. Shandy,―said my mother. Humph! quoth my father to himself, a second time in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's,—and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half. -When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he'll look like a beast in 'em. He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother. -And 'twill be lucky, if that's the worst on 't, added my father. It will be very lucky, answered my mother. I suppose, replied my father, making some pause first, he'll be exactly like other people's children. Exactly, said my mother. . . -Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father and so the debate stopped again. -They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again. They will last him, said my mother, the longest. But he can have no linings to 'em, replied my father.. He cannot, said my mother. "Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father. Nothing can be better, quoth my mother. -Except dimity,-replied my father:-"Tis best of all,-replied my mother. -One must not give him his death, however,— interrupted my father. By no means, said my mother :-and so the dialogue stood still again, I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.— -There is no occasion for mother. any, said my I mean in his coat and waistcoat,-cried my father. |