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Fal. No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many a man doth of a death's head, or a memento mori: I never see thy face, but I think upon hell-fire, and Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath should be, By this fire: but thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but for the light in thy face, the sun of utter dark
When thou ran’st up Gads-hill in the night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou hadst been an ignis fatuus, or a ball of wildfire, there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light! Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast drunk me, would have bought me lights as good cheap, at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have maintained that salamander of yours with fire, any time this two and thirty years; Heaven reward me for it!
Bard. 'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!
Fal. God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.
inquired yet, who picked my pocket?
Host. Why, sir John! what do you think, sir John? Do you think I keep thieves in my
house? I have searched, I have inquired, so has my
husband, man by man, boy by boy, servant by servant:
dame Partlet -] Dame Partlet is the name of the hen in the old story-book of Reynard the Fox: and in Chaucer's tale of The Cock and the Fox, the favourite hen is called dame Pertelote.
the tithe of a hair was never lost in my house before.
Fal. You lie, hostess; Bardolph was shaved, and lost many a hair: and I'll be sworn, my pocket was picked: Go to, you are a woman, go.
Host. Who I? I defy thee: I was never called so in mine own house before.
Fal. Go to, I know you well enough.
Host. No, sir John; you do not know me, sir John: I know you, sir John: you owe me money, sir John, and now you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought you a dozen of shirts to your back.
Fal. Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.
Host. Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, sir John, for your diet, and by-drinkings, and money lent
you, four and twenty pound. Fal. He had his part of it; let him pay. Host. He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing.
Fal. How! poor? look upon his face; What call you rich? let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks; I'll not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker of me? shall I not take mine ease in mine inn, but I shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a seal-ring of my grandfather's, worth forty mark.
Host. O Jesu! I have heard the prince tell him, I know not how oft, that that ring was copper.
Fal. How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup; and, if he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he would say so.
the prince is a Jack,] This term of contempt occurs frequently in our author. In The Taming of the Shrew, Katharine calls her musick-master, in derision, a twangling Jack.
Enter Prince Henry and Poins, marching. FAL
STAFF meets the Prince, playing on his truncheon, like a fife.
Fal. How now, lad? is the wind in that door, i'faith? must we all march?
Bard. Yea, two and two, Newgate-fashion?
P. Hen. What sayest thou, mistress Quickly? How does thy husband? I love him well, he is an honest man.
Host. Good my lord, hear me.
Fal. The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras, and had my pocket picked: this house is turned bawdy-house, they pick pockets.
P. Hen. What didst thou lose, Jack?
Fal. Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of forty pound a-piece, and a seal-ring of my grandfather's
P. Hen. A trifle, some eight-penny matter.
Host. So I told him, my lord; and I said, I heard your grace say so: And, my lord, he speaks most vilely of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said, he would cudgel you.
P. Hen. What! he did not?
Host. There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.
Fal. There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune; nor no more truth in thee, than in a drawn fox; and for womanhood, maid Marian may be the deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, go.
maid Marian may be, &c.] Maid Marian is a a man dressed like a woman, who attends the dancers of the morris.
Host. Say, what thing? what thing?
Host. I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou should'st know it; I am an honest man's wife: and, setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to call me so.
Fal. Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say otherwise.
Host. Say, what beast, thou knave thou?
Fal. Why? she's neither fish, nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her.
Host. Thou art an unjust man in saying so; thou or any man knows where to have me, thou knave thou!
P. Hen. Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly.
Host. So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day, you ought him a thousand pound.
P. Hen. Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?
Fal. A thousand pound, Hal? a million: thy love is worth a million; thou owest me thy love.
Host. Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said, he would cudgel you.
Fal. Did I, Bardolph?
P. Hen. I say, 'tis copper : Darest thou be as good as thy word now?
Fal. Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare: but, as thou art prince, I fear thee, as Í fear the roaring of the lion's whelp.
P. Hen. And why not, as the lion?
Fal. The king himself is to be feared as the lion: Dost thou think, I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an I do, I pray God, my girdle break!
P. Hen. O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith, truth, nor honesty, in this bosom of thine; it is filled up with guts, and midriff. Charge an honest woman with picking thy pocket! Why, thou whoreson, impudent, embossed rascal, if there were any thing in thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of sugar-candy to make thee long winded; if thy pocket were enriched with any other injuries but these, I am a villain. And yet you will stand to it; you will not pocket up wrong: Art thou not ashamed?
Fal. Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest, in the state of innocency, Adam fell; and what should poor Jack Falstaff do, in the days of villainy? Thou seest, I have more flesh than another man; and therefore more frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket?
P. Hen. It appears so by the story.
Fal. Hostess, I forgive thee: Go, make ready breakfast; love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest reason: thou seest, I am pacified.—Still?
- Nay, pr’ythee, be gone. (Exit Hostess.] Now, Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery, lad, How is that answered?
P. Hen. O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to thee:- The money is paid back again.
Fal. O, I do not like that paying back, 'tis a double labour.
P. Hen. I am good friends with my father, and may do any thing.
Fal. Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and do it with unwashed hands too.?
impudent, embossed,] Embossed is swoln, puffy.