She called her cheat, and slut, and jade,

And talked of sending for the beadle!

"La, Ma'am" quoth Betty; "don't make such a pother;

"I've done exactly what you've said,

"Taken one sheet from off the bed,

"And made a shift to-night with t'other."

HORACE SMITH.

THE COLLEGIAN AND THE PORTER.

(From

"Gaieties and Gravities.")

At Trin. Coll. Cam.-which means, in proper spelling,
Trinity College, Cambridge,-there resided
One Harry Dashington-a youth excelling
In all the learning commonly provided

For those who choose that classic station
For finishing their education:

That is he understood computing

The odds at any race or match; Was a dead hand at pigeon shooting;

Could kick up rows-knock down the watch

Play truant and the rake at random

Drink-tie cravats-and drive a tandem.

Remonstrance, fine, and rustication,

So far from working reformation,

Seem'd but to make his lapses greater;

Till he was warn'd that next offence
Would have this certain consequence―
Expulsion from his Alma Mater.

One need not be a necromancer

And

Το guess that with so wild a wight,
The next offence occurr'd next night;
When our Incurable came rolling

Home as the midnight chimes were tolling,
rang the College bell.—No answer.—

The second peal was vain-the third
Made the street echo its alarum ;
When to his great delight he heard
The sordid Janitor, old Ben,

Rousing and growling in his den.

'Who's there?—I s'pose young Harum-scarum." ""Tis I, my worthy Ben-'tis Harry."

"Ay, so I thought—and there you'll tarry ;
""Tis past the hour-the gates are closed—
"You know my orders-I shall lose
"My place if I undo the door".
"And I," (young Hopeful interposed),
"Shall be expell'd if you refuse,
"So pr'ythee"-Ben began to snore.—
"I'm wet," cried Harry, "to the skin,

"Hip! hallo! Ben-don't be a ninny;
"Beneath the gate I've thrust a guinea,

"So tumble out and let me in."

"Humph!" growl'd the greedy old Curmudgeon, Half overjoy'd and half in dudgeon,

"Now you may pass, but make no fuss,
"On tiptoe walk and hold your prate."-

'Look on the stones, old Cerberus,"

Cried Harry as he pass'd the gate, "I've dropp'd a shilling-take the light, "You'll find it just outside-good night."

Behold the porter in his shirt,

Chiding the rain which never stopp'd,

Groping and raking in the dirt,
And all without success; but that
Is hardly to be wonder'd at,

Because no shilling had been dropp'd;

So he gave o'er the search at last,

Regain'd the door,-and found it fast;

With sundry oaths and growls and groans,

He rang once-twice-and thrice; and ther,

Mingled with giggling heard the tones

Of Harry mimicking old Ben.

"Who's there?-'Tis really a disgrace
"To ring so loud-I 've lock'd the gate-
"I know my duty-'Tis too late-

"You wouldn't have me lose my place."

"Psha! Mr. Dashington: remember; "Tis the middle of November.

"I'm stripp'd;-'tis raining cats and dogs."
"Hush, hush!" quoth Hal, "I'm fast asleep;
"And then he snored as loud and deep
"As a whole company of hogs.

"But hark ye, Ben, I'll grant admittance
"At the same rate I paid myself.”-
"Nay, Master, leave me half the pittance,'
Replied the avaricious elf.

"No: all or none- a full acquittance;
"The terms I know are somewhat high;
"But you have fix'd the price, not I-

"I won't take less;-I can't afford it."

So finding all his haggling vain,
Ben, with a sigh and groan of pain,

Drew out the guinea and restored it.

"Surely you'll give me," growl'd th' outwitted
Porter, when again admitted,

"Something, now you've done your joking,
For all this trouble, time, and soaking."
"Oh, surely-surely," Harry said;

"Since as you urge, I broke your rest,

"And you 're half drown'd and quite undress'd,

I'll give you,-leave to go to bed."

HORACE SMITH.

THE COUNTRY FELLOWS AND THE ASS.

A COUNTRY fellow and his son, they tell
In modern fables, had an ass to sell :
For this intent they turned it out to play,
And fed so well, that by the destined day,
They brought the creature into sleek repair,
And drove it gently to a neighbouring fair.

As they were jogging on, a rural class

Was heard to say, "Look! look there, at that ass!
And those two blockheads trudging on each side,
That have not, either of 'em, sense to ride;
"Asses all three !" And thus the country folks
On man and boy began to cut their jokes.

Th' old fellow minded nothing that they said,
But every word stuck in the young one's head;
And thus began their comment thereupon:

Ne'er heed 'm, lad." Nay, father, do get on."
"Not I, indeed." Why then let me, I pray."
"Well do; and see what prating tongues will say.”

The boy was mounted; and they had not got
Much further on, before another knot,
Just as the ass was pacing by, pad, pad,
Cried, "O! that lazy looby of a lad!

"How unconcernedly the gaping brute

Lets the poor aged fellow walk a-foot."

Down came the son, on hearing this account,

And begged and prayed, and made his father mount :
Till a third party, on a further stretch,

"See! see!" exclaimed, "that old hard-hearted wretch! "How like a justice there he sits, or squire;

"While the poor lad keeps wading through the mire.”

Stop," cried the lad, still vexed in deeper mind,

Stop, father, stop; let me get on behind.'

This done, they thought they certainly should please,
Escape reproaches, and be both at ease;
For having tried each practicable way,
What could be left for jokers now to say?

Still disappointed, by succeeding tone,

"Hark ye, you fellows! Is that ass your own?
"Get off, for shame! or one of you at least!
"You both deserve to carry the poor beast,

Ready to drop down dead upon the road, "With such a huge, unconscionable load."

On this they both dismounted; and, some say,
Contrived to carry, like a truss of hay,

The ass between 'em; prints, they add, are seen
With man and lad, and slinging ass between;
Others omit that fancy in the print,

As overstraining an ingenious hint.

The copy that we follow says, The man
Rubbed down the ass, and took to his first plan,
Walked to the fair, and sold him, got his price,
And gave his son this pertinent advice :
“Let talkers talk; stick thou to what is best ;
"To think of pleasing all-is all a jest."

DR. BYROM.

THE DOCTOR AND HIS APPRENTICE.

A PUPIL of the Æsculapian school

Was just prepared to quit his master's rule:
Not that he knew his trade, as it appears,
But that he then had learnt it seven years.

Yet think not that in knowledge he was cheated-
All that he had to study still,

Was, when a man was well or ill,
And how, if sick, he should be treated.

One morn, he thus address'd his master:

Dear Sir, my honour'd father bids me say,
If I could now and then a visit pay,

66

He thinks with you,

To notice how you do,

"My business I might learn a little faster."

"The thought is happy," the preceptor cries;
"A better method he could scarce devise;

66

So Bob, (his pupil's name) it shall be so,
"And when I next pay visits, you shall go." ›