She could not be deader than she will be soon;
I have driven her close to you, under the moon,
Night and day, hum! hum! ha!
I have hummed her and drummed her
From place to place, till at last I have dumbed her,
Hum! hum! hum!
Leech. I will suck
Blood or muck!
The disease of the state is a plethory,
Who so to fit to reduce it as I?
Rat. I'll slyly seize and
Let blood from her weasand,
Creeping through crevice, and chink, and cranny,
With my snakey tail, and my sides so scranny.
Purg. Aroint ye thou unprofitable worm !
And thou, dull beetle, get thee back to hell!
To sting the ghosts of Babylonian kings,
And the ox-headed Io--
Swine within]. Ugh, ugh, ugh!
Hail! Iona the divine,
[To the LEECH. To the GADFLY.
We will be no longer swine,
But bulls with horns and dewlaps.
You know, my lord, the Minotaur
Purg. [fiercely. Be silent! get to hell! or I will call
The cat out of the kitchen.
This is a pretty business.
Mam.
And spell some scheme to make it ugly then.
Swellfoot. She is returned! Taurina is in Thebes
When Swellfoot wishes that she were in hell!
Oh Hymen, clothed in yellow jealousy,
And waving o'er the couch of wedded kings
The torch of discord with its fiery hair;
This is thy work, thou patron saint of queens!
Swellfoot is wived! though parted by the sea,
The very name of wife had conjugal rights;
Her cursed image ate, drank, slept with me,
And in the arms of Adiposa oft
Her memory has received a husband's
[A loud tumult, and cries of "Iona for ever!-No Swellfoot!" Swellf. Hark!
How the swine cry Iona Taurina;
I suffer the real presence; Purganax,
Off with her head!
Purg. Or fattening some few in two separate styes, And giving them clean straw, tying some bits
Of ribbon round their legs-giving their sows
Some tawdry lace, and bits of lustre glass,
And their young boars white and red rags, and tails
Of cows, and jay feathers, and sticking cauliflowers
Between the ears of the old ones; and, when
They are persuaded, that by the inherent virtue
Of these things, they are all imperial pigs,
Good Lord! they'd rip each other's bellies up,
Not to say help us in destroying her.
Swellf. This plan might be tried too;-where's General
Laoctonos?
Enter LAOCTONOS and DAKRY.
Lord General, bring the head and body,
If separate, it would please me better, hither
Of Queen Iona.
Laoc. That pleasure I well knew,
And made a charge with those battalions bold,
Called, from their dress and grin, the royal apes,
Upon the swine, who in a hollow square
Enclosed her, and received the first attack
Like so many rhinoceroses, and then
Retreating in good order, with bare tusks
And wrinkled snouts presented to the foe,
Bore her in triumph to the public stye.
What is still worse, some sows upon the ground
Have given the ape-guards apples, nuts, and gin,
And they all whisk their tails aloft, and cry,
"Long live Iona! down with Swellfoot !""
The Swine [without]. Long live Iona! down with Swellfoot!
Went to the garret of the swineherd's tower
Which overlooks the stye, and made a long
Harangue (all words) to the assembled swine,
Of delicacy, mercy, judgment, law,
Morals, and precedents, and purity,
Adultery, destitution, and divorce,
Piety, faith, and state necessity,
And how I loved the Queen!-and then I wept
With the pathos of my own eloquence,
And every tear turned to a millstone, which
Brained many a gaping pig, and there was made
A slough of blood and brains upon the place,
Greased with the pounded bacon; round and round
The millstones rolled, ploughing the pavement up,
And hurling sucking pigs into the air,
I wonder that grey wizards
Like you should be so beardless in their schemes;
It had been but a point of policy
To keep Iona and the swine apart.
Divide and rule! but ye have made a junction
Between two parties who will govern you
But for my art.-Behold this BAG! it is
The poison BAG of that Green Spider huge,
On which our spies skulked in ovation through
The streets of Thebes, when they were paved with dead:
A bane so much the deadlier fills it now,
As calumny is worse than death, -for here
The Gadfly's venom, fifty times distilled,
Is mingled with the vomit of the Leech,
In due proportion, and black ratsbane, which
That very Rat, who, like the Pontic tyrant,
Nurtures himself on poison, dare not touch;
All is sealed up with the broad seal of Fraud,
Who is the Devil's Lord High Chancellor,
And over it the Primate of all Hell
Murmured this pious baptism:-"Be thou called
The GREEN BAG; and this power and grace be thine: That thy contents, on whomsoever poured,
'Turn innocence to guilt, and gentlest looks To savage, foul, and fierce deformity.
Let all baptized by thy infernal dew
Be called adulterer, drunkard, liar, wretch!
No name left out which orthodoxy loves,
Court Journal or legitimate Review !—
Be they called tyrant, beast, fool, glutton, lover
Of other wives and husbands than their own-
The heaviest sin on this side of the Alps!
Wither they to a ghastly caricature
Of what was human! let not man or beast
Behold their face with unaverted eyes!
Or hear their names with ears that tingle not
With blood of indignation, rage, and shame!"
This is a perilous liquor;-good my Lords,
[SWELLFOOT approaches to touch the GREEN BAG, Beware! for God's sake, beware!-if you should break The seal, and touch the fatal liquor—
Give it to me: I have been used to handle
All sorts of poisons. His dread Majesty
Only desires to see the colour of it.
Mam. Now, with a little common sense, my Lords,
Only undoing all that has been done
(Yet so as it may seem we but confirm it),
Our victory is assured. We must entice
Her Majesty from the stye, and make the pigs
Believe that the contents of the GREEN BAG
Are the true test of guilt or innocence.
And that, if she be guilty, 'twill transform her
To manifest deformity like guilt.
If innocent, she will become transfigured
Into an angel, such as they say she is;
And they will see her flying through the air,
So bright that she will dim the noonday sun;
Showering down blessings in the shape of comfits.
This, trust a priest, is just the sort of thing
Swine will helieve. I'll wager you will see them
Climbing upon the thatch of their low styes,
With pieces of smoked glass, to watch her sail
Among the clouds, and some will hold the flaps
Of one another's ears between their teeth,
To catch the coming hail of comfits in,
You, Purganax, who have the gift of the gab,
Make them a solemn speech to this effect:
I go to put in readiness the feast
Kept to the honour of our goddess Famine,
Where, for more glory, let the ceremony
Take place of the uglification of the Queen.
Dakry [To SWELLFOOT]. I, as the keeper of your sacred conscience, Humbly remind your Majesty that the care
Of your high office, as man-milliner
To red Bellona, should not be deferred.
Purg. All part, in happier plight to meet again.
SCENE I.-The Public Stye. The BOARS in full Assembly.
Enter PURGANAX.
Purg. Grant me your patience, Gentlemen and Boars,
Ye, by whose patience under public burdens
The glorious constitution of these styes
Subsists, and shall subsist. The lean-pig rates
Grow with the growing populace of swine,
The taxes, that true source of piggishness,
(How can I find a more appropriate term
To include religion, morals, peace, and plenty,
And all that fit Boeotia as a nation
To teach the other nations how to live?)
Increase with piggishness itself; and still
Does the revenue, that great spring of all
The patronage, and pensions, and by-payments,
Which free-born pigs regard with jealous eyes,
Diminish, till at length, by glorious steps,
All the land's produce will be merged in taxes,
And the revenue will amount to-nothing!
The failure of a foreign market for
Sausages, bristles, and blood puddings,
And such home manufactures, is but partial;
And, that the population of the pigs,
Instead of hog-wash, has been fed on straw
And water, is a fact which is—you know-
That is-it is a state-necessity-
Temporary, of course. Those impious pigs,
Who, by frequent squeaks, have dared to impugn
The settled Swellfoot system, or to make
Irreverent mockery of the genuflexions
Inculcated by the arch-priest, have been whipt
Into a loyal and an orthodox whine.
Things being in this happy state, the Queen
A loud cry from the Pigs. She is innocent! most innocent!
Purg. That is the very thing that I was saying,
Gentlemen Swine; the Queen Iona being
Most innocent, no doubt, returns to Thebes,
And the lean sows and boars collect about her,
Wishing to make her think that we believe
(I mean those more substantial pigs who swill
Rich hog-wash, while the others mouth damp straw),
That she is guilty; thus, the lean-pig faction
Seeks to obtain that hog-wash, which has been
Your immemorial right, and which I will
Maintain you in to the last drop of
A Boar [interrupting him].
Does any one accuse her of?
Makes any positive accusation;-but
There were hints dropt, and so the privy wizards
Conceived that it became them to advise
His Majesty to investigate their truth;
Not for his own sake; he could be content
To let his wife play any pranks she pleased,
If by that sufferance, he could please the pigs;
But then he fears the morals of the swine,
The sows especially, and what effect
It might produce upon the purity and
Religion of the rising generation
Of sucking pigs, if it could be suspected
That Queen Iona-
To hear what she can possibly have done.
Purg. Why, it is hinted, that a certain bull
Thus much is known,-the milk-white bulls that feed
Beside Clitumnus and the crystal lakes
Of the Cisalpine mountains, in fresh dews
Of lotos-grass and blossoming asphodel,
Sleeking their silken hair, and with sweet breath
Loading the morning winds until they faint
With living fragrance, are so beautiful !—
Well, I say nothing;-but Europa rode
On such a one from Asia into Crete,
And the enamoured sea grew calm beneath
His gliding beauty. And Pasiphae,
Jona's grandmother, -but she is innocent!
And that both you and I, and all assert.
First Boar. Most innocent!
Second Boar. Oh! no Green BAGS!! Jealousy's eyes are green. Scorpions are green, and water-snakes, and efts,
In piggish souls can prepossessions reign?
Allow me to remind you, grass is green-
All flesh is grass;-no bacon but is flesh-
Ye are but bacon. This divining BAG
(Which is not green, but only bacon colour)
Is filled with liquor, which if sprinkled o'er
A woman guilty of-we all know what-
Makes her so hideous, till she finds one blind
She never can commit the like again.
If innocent, she will turn into an angel,
And rain down blessings in the shape of comfits
As she flies up to heaven. Now, my proposal
Is to convert her sacred Majesty
Into an angel (as I am sure we shall do),
By pouring on her head this mystic water.
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