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Nym. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca ; * slice! that's my humour. Sien. Where's Simple, my man?-can you tell, cousin ?
Eva. Peace: I pray you! Now let us understand: There is three umpires in this matter as I understand: that is-master Page, fidelicet, master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet, myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
Page. We three, to hear it, and end it between them. Eva. Fery goot: will make a prief of it in my note-book ; and we will afterwards 'ork upon the cause, with as great disa creetly as we can.
Eva. The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, He hears with ear? Why it is affectations.
Fal. Pistol, did you pick master Slender's purse ?
Slen. Ay, by these gloves, did he, (or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else,) of seven
groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, † that cost me two shillings and two-pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
Fal. Is this true, Pistol ?
Slen. By these gloves, then 'twas he.
Nym. Be advised, Sir, and pass good humours: I will say, marry trap, with you, if you run the nuthook’s|| humour on me; that is the very note of it.
Slen. By this hat, then he in the red face had it: for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
Fal. What say you, Scarlet and John ?
Bard. Why, Šir, for my part, I say, the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
Eva. It is his five senses : fie, what the ignorance is !
Bard. And being fap, Sir, was, as they say, cashier'd; and so conclusions pass'd the careires.***
Slen. Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. Eva. So Got’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
Fal. You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
* Few words. † King Edward's shillings, used in the game of shuffle-board. Blade as thin as a lath.
Lips. # If you say I ain a thief.
Drunk. ** The bounds of good behaviour.
Enter MISTRESS ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS FORD and
MISTRESS PAGE following. Page. Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
[Exit ANNE PAGE. Slen. O heavens, this is mistress Anne Page. Page. How now, mistress Ford ?
Fal. Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met : by your leave, good mistress.
[Kissing her. Page. Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome:-Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS. Slen. I had rather than forty shillings, I had my book of songs and sonnets here :
Enter SIMPLE. How now, Simple ! where have you been ? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not The Book of Riddles about you, have you ?
Sim. Book of Riddles ! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas ?*
Shal. Come, coz ; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: There is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?
Slen. Ay, Sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
Shal. Nay, but understand me.
Eva. Give ear to his motions, master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
Slen. Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says : I pray you pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
Eva. But that is not the question ; the question is concerning your marriage.
Shal. Ay, there's the point, Sir.
Eva. Marry, is it; the very point of it; to mistress Anno Page,
Šlen. Why, if it be so, will marry her, upon any reasonable demands.
Eva. But can you affection the 'oman ? Let us command to know that of your mouth, or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold, that the lips is parcel of the mouth;-Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid ?
Shal. Cousin Abrahain Slender, can you love her ?
Slen. I hope, Sir, I will do, as it shall become one that would do reason.
Eva. Nay, Got's lords and his ladies, you must speak possitaole, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
Śhai. That you must: Will you, upon good dowry, marry her? Slen. I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
* An intended blunder.
Shać. Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do, is to pleasure you, coz: Can you love the maid ?
Šlen. I will marry her, Sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married, and have more occasion to know one another: I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: but if you say, marry her, I will marry her, that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
Eva. It is a fery discretion answer; save, the faul is in the 'ort dissolutely; the 'ort is, according to our meaning, resolutely; his meaning is good.
Shal. Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
Re-enter ANNE PAGE. Shal. Here comes fair mistress Anne: Would I were young, for your sake, mistress Anne !
Anne. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships' company.
Shal. I will wait on him, fair mistress Anne.
[Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR H. EVANS. Anne. Will’t please your worship to come in, Sir. Slen. No, I thank you, forsooth,
heartily; I am very well. Anne. The dinner attends you, Sir.
Slen. I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth: Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go, wait upon my cousin Shallow: [Exit SIMPLE.] A justice of peace sometime may be beholden to his friend for a man: I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: But what though ? yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
Anne. I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
Slen. I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
Anne. I pray you, Sir, walk in.
Slen. I had rather walk here, I thank you ; I bruised my shin the other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence, three veneys* for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so ? be there bears i' the town?
Anne. I think there are, Sir; I heard them talked of.
Slen. I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it, as any man in England.—You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
Anne. Ay, indeed, Sir.
Slen. That's meat and drink to me now: I have seen Sackersont loose twenty times; and have taken him by the chain:
* Three set-to's, bouts, or hits. + The name of a bear exhibited at Paris-Garden in Southwark.
but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed :* but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
Re-enter PAGE. Page. Come, gentle master Slender, come, we stay for you. Slen. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, Sir. Page. By cock and pye, you shall not choose, Sir: come, come. Slen. Nay; pray you, lead the way. Page. Come on, Sir. Slen. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. Anne. Not I, Sir; pray you, keep on.,
Slen. Truly, I will not go first; truly, la; I will not do you that wrong
Anne. I pray you, Sir.
Slen. I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome: you do yourself wrong, indeed, la.
[Exeunt. SCENE II.-The same.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE. Eva. Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house, which is the way: and there dwells one mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
Simp. Well, Sir.
Eva. Nay, it is petter yet:-- give her this letter; for it is a ’oman that altogether's acquaintance with mistress Anne Page; and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master's desires to mistress Anne Page: I pray you, begone; I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt. SCENE III.-A Room in the Garter Inn. Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM PISTOL, and
ROBIN. Fal. Mine host of the Garter,Host. What says my bully-rook ? Speak scholarly and wisely.
Fal. Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host. Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag ; trot, trot.
Fal. I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host. Thou’rt an emperor, Cæsar, Keisar, and Pheezar, I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?
Fal. Do so, good mine host.
Host. I have spoke; let him follow: Let me see thee froth, and lime: I am at a word; follow.
[Exit Host. * Surpassed all expression.
Fal. Bardolph, follow him: a tapster is a good trade: An old cloak makes a new jerkin ; a withered serving-man, a fresh tapster: Go; adieu. Bard. It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.
[Exit BARD. Pist. O base Gongarian* wight! wilt thou the spigot wield ? Nym. He was gotten in drink: Is not the humour conceited ? His mind is not heroic, and there's the humour of it.
Fal. I am glad, I am so acquit of this tinder-box; his thefts were too open.: his filching was like an unskilful singer, he kept not time.
Nym. The good humour is, to steal at a minute's rest. Pist. Convey, the wise it call: Steal ! foh ; a ficot for the phrase.
Fal. Well, Sirs, I am almost out at heels.
Fal. No quips now, Pistol ; indeed I am in the waist two yards about: but I am now about no waste: I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife; I spy entertainment in her ; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation : I can construe the action of her familiar style ; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is, I am Sir John Falstaff's.
Pist. He hath studied her well, and translated her well; out of honesty into English.
Nym. The anchor is deep: will that humour pass ?
Fal. Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husband's purse; she hath legions of angels. I Pist. As many devils entertain; and, To her, boy, say I. Nym. The humour rises; it is good humour me the angels.
Fal. I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page's wife; who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious eyliads; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
Pist. Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
Fal. O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass ! Here's another letter to her : she bears 'the purse too! she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to mistress Page; and thou this to mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
* For Hungarian.
† Fig. Escheatour, an officer in the Exchequer.