LOOK A-HEAD! WHAT AH! YOUR HAT! AN enormous amount of humiliation seems to have come down upon the devoted heads of various individuals now about town, for such an assemblage of "shocking bad hats" has never been seen since the day when the cry of "What a shocking bad hat! was ringing in the ears of nearly every one of us. The present race of hats is so utterly uncou h, that we really wish for even that enormous instrument of Eastern despotism-a Hatti Scheriff-to be enforced against those hats for the purpose of putting them down in a summary manner. We are inclined to believe that almost every one of these hats could tell a tale about its wearer, and that castor-ology would be a science no less interesting than phrenology, if we were to take the trouble to study it. The odious affair known vulgarly as the Wide-awake speaks loudly of slang and snobbishness, while there are others in the variety of hats which must be felt to be understood, and which really are felt when you look into them. The Gibus hat speaks of the elasticity of youth, and is a type of the buoyancy with which the crushed heart resumes its former shape, and springs as it were to life when roused by a pressure from within; but there are other hats which, utterly without nap, seem to speak of the total absence of rest for the head within them. A few years ago England thrust its head in to gossamer, a proof of light-headedness which was scarcely creditable to our natural good sense, but perhaps our recent rush into velvet betrays a softness in the upper story, which is scarcely more to our credit. We would not be considered captious, but we certainly think the heads of the people were never more open to criticism on the score of hats than at the present moment. GRAND ELECTION FOR THE PREMIERSHIP OF ENGLAND. THIS Election, which had excited a deal of interest amongst all parties, came off by appointment in the House of Commons, on Monday evening, the 2nd of July. The proceedings were opened by MR. DISRAELI. He said, "He had great pleasure in rising to propose a dear friend of his to fill the si' uation of Premier of England. He had known him from his earliest childhood, and the acquaintance, which had been kept up now for a long series of years, without a moment's interruption, had ripened, he would say, into love. He would not weary the Assembly with a catalogue ruisonné of all his talents and virtues. They were known to all the world, and had endeared him to everybody-but this he would boldly state, that he knew no man better quali ed to fill the present vacancy than his honourable friend. (Cries of Name! Name!') Without urther preface, then, he begged to propose for the Premiership of England his dear friend, MR. BENJAMIN DISRAELI, a gentleman for whom he had always entertained the very highest respect." A great confusion here ensued, amidst loud cries of "Don't you wish you may get it?" and other elegant interrogatories generally put to candidates at elec ions, when The SPEAKER, upon obtaining silence, took the liberty to observe that no one had seconded the Nomination. MR. DISRAELI rose again, and said, "that it gave him the greatest pleasure to second the Nomination of the honourable gentleman above named-a gentleman, the longer he had known him the more he had loved him-a gentlenian-" Here the noise was so great, that it was impossible to understand a single word of the honourable gentleman's speech. He spoke for several hours, but not a person seemed to be sensible of what he was saying. At last a MR. ROEBUCK, who had been very prominent in the opposition, came forward to be informed if there was not some slight mistake? MR. DISRAELI said, "No mistake whatever." MR. KOEBUCK. "Then, if I understand you rightly, you seriously propose MR. BENJAMIN DISRAELI as the fittest and most qualified person 10 sit in the House as Premier." MR. DISRAELI. "Precisely." House broke up. SECOND EVENING'S ELECTION. The proceedings commenced amidst the greatest hilarity, by LORD JOHN RUSSELL demanding a poll. MR. DISRAELI had to express his astonishment at the noble Lord taking him in this way by surprise. LORD JOHN was no less astonished when the honourable gentleman had had a whole week to canvass the House. He certainly should not give way. A scrutiny was demanded, and the SPEAKER declared the state of the poll to be as follows: PROTECTION FOR EVERYBODY. EVERYBODY, seemingly, is crying out for Protection. The Protectionists demand it, and SIR CHARLES NAPIER is calling for Protection for the British Navy. Then there is Protection for the Colonies, which England, if she is a good parent, ought certainly to grant, for every good mother is bound to do the best for her children. To listen to all these cries for Protection, one would imagine that everyone was in the most unprotected state. You would fancy everybody was attacking his neighbour, and that nothing was safe, excepting Punch and the Bank. Our simple advice is, "Let every one protect himself." Why, look at us. Our columns are pilfered in every direction. Our jokes are stolen by the dozen, and yet do we cry out for "Protection ?" No! ROGERS's bank was not broken by the loss of a paltry £10,000. We only laugh at the robbery, and go on circula ing more jokes. Depend upon it, the best Protection in the world is for everybody to do his best. Perfection is its own Protection. The Law of Precedence at Court. THERE is but one person who has the privilege of preceding the QUEEN, not only at the Coronation, but on all state occasions, and he, from his elevated position, is entitled, not merely to sit above HER MAJESTY, but also to turn his back upon her; and, moreover, is allowed to keep his hat on all the while in the royal presence. Who can he be? As the reader will never guess, we do not mind telling him; he is THE STATE COACHMAN.-Punch's Pocket Mirror of Etiquette for the Waistcoat Pocket of Everybody. WE LIKE TO ENCOURAGE GENIUS. THE following is the effort of Punch's youngest contributor:-"When is a tailor like a cricketer ?" "When he is 'stumped out' from 'missing his tip!"" It isn't so bad for a youngster, is it? Enthusiastic Fisherman. "WHAT A BORE! JUST LIKE MY LUCK. No SOONER HAVE I GOT MY A VERY BAD SURGICAL CASE. ONE of the worst surgical cases we have heard of for some time, is the case of the Assistant-Surgeons of the Navy, who, though almost always men of mature age, are shoved like a "parcel of boys" down into the cockpit with the midshipmen. By professional rank and pay, thev are perfectly qualified to join at least the Ward-room Mess; but the Admiralty authorities, who care for no messes, apparently, but those of their own friends, leave the Assistant-Surgeons to take their chance among the practical joking of the Middies, and to the society of the Mates, with whom we mean nothing disrespectful to either party-the studious professor of Surgery finds himself very ill-mated. It has been recommended over and over again by Committees and Commissions, that the Assistant-Surgeons should be placed on board ship in a class better suited to their intellectual and social position; but the Admiralty remains entirely deaf, and labours, we fear, under that very acute sort of deafness, to which those who won't hear are liable. The ear-trumpets of Punch are known to be very powerful; and we shall certainly try the effect of one on behalf of the Naval AssistantSurgeons, if they cannot otherwise render their complaints audible. A TRIFLE FOR LORD JOHN. WHAT is the meaning of Finality? PUNCH'S FREE ADMISSION TO THE EXHIBITIONS OF LONDON. with the Mer de Glace; for, as its name implies, it must be brimful of ices. There is the celebrated Todi, also; why, the very thing for whiskey-drinkers! Now the summer has come, there will be no spot in London more agreeable to visit than Switzerland. The snow looks so fresh and cool. It will be like sitting in an ice-house. We should not be surprised if MR. BURFORD kept his wine in the Finster Aar-Horn! How deliciously iced it must be! A FREE ADMISSION TO BURFORD'S PANORAMA. What is railroad travelling compared to the speed with which one travels in this Panorama? You ascend twenty steps, and ho! presto high-cockolorum-jig, you are 5676 feet above the level of the sea; in less than two minutes you have jumped from Leicester Square to the highest point of Mont Righi. A comet could not have done it quicker. Look down upon that monster twelfth-cake, of which the snow forms the sugar, and the pretty cottages the ornaments ;-you behold Switzerland. It seems as if it had been tossed in a blanket and broken all to bits, but it looks so nice, that we heard a young lady say, she should like to cut it into slices, and send a bit to each of her friends. Did you ever see such a heap of mountains? Primrose Hill collapses into a gooseberry by the side of them; Holborn Hill sinks into a mushroom, whilst its neighbour, Snow, hides its Saracen's Head from very shame, and rings the bell of St. Sepulchre's for its own burial. How they all came here is a marvel; they must have been very difficult to pack. Our private opinion is, that the skies must have rained mountains at some time or other, and that these were a few of them. Depend upon it, each glacier was only an enormous hailstone in the days when the Titans used to play at snowballs, and throw Mont Blanc, Schreckhorn, and the other little hillocks, at one another. There is one great comfort about the Panorama. However much the continent may be closed by revolutions against travelling, Leicester Square is always open, and the excursionist can make the grand tour of Europe in it, without any fear of an amateur brigand, with a Tyrolean hat and red feathers, popping at him behind a road-cross in the name of freedom! Moreover, he requires no passport as long as he has a shilling in his pocket. We will now run up stairs and stroll through the "Valley of Cash. mere." You may well exclaim "How lovely!" Do you not long for a horse to scamper over the beautiful country? Would it not be even a delightful place for picnics, and for regattas, and water-parties! If anything, there is rather too much water, and the place has a slight touch of the ague. We imagine the natives must move about with corkbelts, for every other street is a canal, and the children must swim long before they know how to walk. By the way, we are inclined to think that a Cashmere washes, for the one before us appears to be soaking in one immense tub of water. Do you notice the river-it is our school friend, Hydaspes-how it is covered with floating gardens? These are made of weeds, firmly matted together, over which is thrown manure and soil. Flowers, fruit, cucumbers, the lovely nelumbium and the curious sinhara-in fact, all the delicacies of the season-grow to great luxuriance on these swimming flower-beds. We have a great mind to try something of the sort, by planting one of DR. ARNOTT'S aquatic mattresses with sunflowers and a gooseberry-bush, and sending it adrift on the river. Cashmere is in rather a torn and tattered state at present. The Sikhs have been playing (we cannot help it) Sikhs and sevens with it lately. Nature, however, will not be conquered, and the valley can still validate its claim of being one of the most beautiful spots in the world. How can it well be otherwise when it wears upon its brow a diadem like THE POONCH MOUNTAINS, It seems very absurd for us to go all the way to Wenham Lake for ice, when there is more than sufficient here to supply ali the GUNTERS in the world till the last minutes of the Last Man. Why not import a glacier or two as a sample? They would do deliciously for sherrycobblers; whilst the confectioner would make his fortune who opened which are evidently so called after us; only we wish they had been christened in good English, instead of that broad Scotch. The inhabitants of these mountains, we are told, already perpetrate puns. Let us hope these poor misguided people will soon see the error of their ways, and strive to become civilised members of the community, and do greater honour to the proud name they bear. CONGRATULATORY ODE TO THE FRENCH ON THEIR BRAVE citizens of France, proclaim a féle, When match'd against the more substantial might By patriotic ardour long repell'd, Your warlike banner still ye dared advance; Yet victory has crown'd the brow of France; Have held their orgies on the Spartans' grave. Oh valiant OUDINOT! Courageous band, In whom Rome's awful walls awoke no dread,- Come forth, whilst crackers bounce and cannons boon, Ard trample on the liberty of Rome. HE WON'T BE BEAT. SOME people are fond of having the last word, but DR. REID, the great ventilator, will assuredly not be satisfied unless he can have the last blow. He has actually petitioned the House of Commons in favour of his system. We cannot wonder at the coolness of a gentleman who lives in such a frosty world as DR. REID has chosen to make "a world of his own;" but the idea of petitioning the very assembly, against which he has been dealing his "heavy blows and great discouragements" for the last two or three years, and soliciting the sufferers from the system to sanction its re-adoption, is really preposterous. DR. REID'S ventilation has been so frequently denounced by Members of the Commons, that, unless they have learned from him how to blow hot and cold, they cannot turn round and give it their patronage. We should be delighted to give DR. REID a fair chance, but we cannot stand tamely by and see the British Legislature deliberately blown to shivers by his windy processes. MR. DISRAELI'S GREAT FEATURE. "THE great feature of the day," says MR. DISRAELI, "is perplexity and inability." Really, if we had been asked for a definition of the long speech, of which the above forms a part, upon the State of the Nation, we doubt if we could have said anything better than "The great feature of MR. DISRAELI's speech is perplexity and inability." We scarcely know, in fact, which abounds most. The great remedy for the above state of things is, "Elect MR. DISRAELI Prime Minister;" such a remedy, we are sadly afraid, would only increase the "perplexity," and establish still more clearly the "inability," of the honourable gentleman, who so modestly proposes himself as Premier of England. By-the-by, if any one had questioned us as to what was MR. DISRAELI's "great feature," we certainly should say, looking at the result of all his divisions, "Decidedly the NOES;" it is prominent in everything to which he has given his countenance THE CRY OF THE STATION CLERKS. We have often pitied the fate of the unfortunate Station Clerk, doomed to fill up the intervals between the arrivals of the different trains, by starting off in a train of thought, or to amuse his leisure by listening to the porter's account of luggage and parcels to be forwarded a branch of Porter's Statistics which must be remarkably devoid of interest. For the Station Clerk the only excitement is the arrival and departure of the up and down train-the only phase, by the way, of the ups and downs of life with which he has an opportunity of becoming familiar. From year's end to year's end he must be at his post, with nothing to vary his dull routine, unless a collision happens to give a little life to the scene, by causing the death of a few passengers. Sometimes he may be allowed a little bit of garden where he grows some half peck of peas in the course of the year, until some rude engine, rushing off the rails, crushes the tender plant with its rude tender. The Hermit of Vauxhall is a joyous reveller compared with the Railway Station Clerk, in some remote places on a line (like some of those on the South Eastern, for example) where the traveller never stops, and whose names are almost unknown to the most acute of geographers. There is a victim at Pluckley, and another at Edenbridge, whose seclusion is only interrupted by the shriek of the whistle, and the useless stoppage of the train to put down an ideal passenger, who never alights, or to take up some phantom wayfarer, who never Imakes his appearance. We have heard a great deal about the horrors of the Solitary System as applied to criminals, but how much worse is it to visit such a system upon the innocent Railway Station Clerks! To add to the miseries of their condition, they have no respite from that fate, but are compelied to remain perpetually at their posts without a holiday. An effort is being made to obtain for them this boon, and we, who are strong adherents of the maxim that "All work and no play makes JACK a dull boy," having also an inherent hatred of dulness, shall be glad to lend our aid to the oppressed Station Clerks in their very reasonable demand for a holiday. MANNERS AND CVSTOMS OF Y ENGLY SHE IN 1849. No. 18. his shop. Strange how to some of the Pelargoniums were given the names of GRISI, ALBONI, MARIO, and other Opera Singers: and MR. WAGSTAFFE do say it is Musique in a Flower-Pot. After seeing the Flowers, to stroll about the Walks and among the Trees, and view the Flowers without Stalks, which I do admire most of all, and a brave Show they were, drest out in their gayest, and smiling as if resolved to look as pretty as they could; and looking all the brighter for the Sun shining without a Cloud to be seen: whereby out of Pain for my Wife's pink Bonnet, which, if spoiled by the Rain usual at this Show, had been £2 2. gone. The Bands from Time to Time beat a March about the Garden; when to see the fine Ladies and Gentlemen follow at the Soldiers' Heels, natural as ragged Street-Children! At last all played together, and ended with God Save the Queen; when the Flowers wheeled away. But the Company remaining, some sitting on Benches to make a Lane, and the Rest of the Multitude walking up and down to be seen, and the Beauties showing off their Graces, which I did inspect from Head to Foot. My Wife beginning to admire a certain Satin; so knowing what this signified, away, and home to a Leg of Mutton; thinking of the State of the Nation, which should not be so mighty gloomy to judge of it by Chiswick Flower Show, and wondering how much all the Finery there cost, and where all the Money could have come from. Saturday, June 9, 1849. My Wife holding me to my Promise to take | finely variegated, and giving forth a Perfume sweeter than ATKINSON her to the Chiswick Flower Show, and I could not break it: for certa'nly the poor Wretch do drudge in the House like a Slave; and so often as I go out for Pleasure myself, methinks it were well to give her a Treat now and then, to ease my Conscience, and keep her quiet also. So took her, though our two Tickets together came to 10, and we thither in an Omnibus, and the Fare doubled on the Occasion, instead of 1s. cost me 2s. more, which made me mad. A rare Sight, nigh the Gardens, to look out on the Line of Carriages behind us, and methought how mean and paltry it s emed to be riding in an Omnibus; and was in some Trouble lest any of our acquaintance should be in the Car riages, and see us 'light. At the Passage to the Gardens beset by Fellows with Shoe-Brushes and Clothes-Brushes, importunate to brush my Coat and Boots, that were clean enough, but only to earn 4d. or 6d. Our Tickets delivered, and we into the Grounds with a Stream of Company. and followed them and our Ears to a Band of Musique, the Horse Guards', playing hard by a Grove of Rhododendrons in full Bloom, and a Mob of Beauties round about them more blooming still. Heard a Medley-Piece of Scraps of most of the Operas that I knew; which was better Musique than I expected. Then to the Tents, where the PrizeFlowers are shown, on high Stands as long as a moderate-sized Barn; and there a pretty Display of Orchids, Azaleas, Cactuses, Pelargoniums, and Heaths, very rare and curious, and a few choice Roses; but I expected to see Roses as big as Cabbages. Many of the Flowers MR. BROWN'S LETTERS TO A YOUNG MAN heroes. ON LOVE, MARRIAGE, MEN, AND WOMEN. ONG years ago, indeed making the grand of us were upon the insist_upon_informing everybody that BOTIBOL is the best of men! Poor JACK JINKINS! what a female is that you brought back from Bagnigge Wells to introduce to London society! a handsome, tawdry, flaunting, watering-place belle; a boarding-house beauty: tremendous in brazen ornaments and cheap finery. If you marry, dear BOB. I hope MRS. ROBERT B. will be a lady not very much above or below your own station. I would sooner that you should promote your wife than that she should advance you. And though every man can point you out instances where his friends have been married to ladies of superior rank, who have accepted their new position with perfect grace, and made their husbands entirely happy; as there are examples of maid servants decorating coronets, and_sempstresses presiding worthily over Baronial Halls; yet I hope MRS. ROBERT BROWN will not come out of a palace or a kitchen: but out of a house something like yours, out of a family some hing like yours, with a snug jointure something like that modest portion which I dare say you will inherit. I remember when ARTHUR ROWDY (who I need not tell you belongs to the firm of STUMPY, ROWDY & Co, of Lombard Street, Bankers,) married LADY CLEOPATRA; what a grand match it was thought by the ROWDY gardly of her smiles family: and how old MRS. ROWDY in Portman Square, was elated at the idea of her son's new connexion. Her daughters were to go to all in return. There the parties in London; and her house was to be filled with the very came a man amongst us, however, from greatest of great folks. We heard of nothing but dear LADY STONELondon, HENGE from morning till night; and the old frequen'ers of the house handsome were perfectly pestered with stories of dear LADY ZENOBIA and dear LADY CORNELIA, and of the dear Marquis, whose masterly translation of Cornelius Nepos had placed him among the most learned of our nobility. a very young fellow, with such an air of fascinating melancholy in his looks, that he cut When ROWDY went to live in May Fair, what a wretched house it out all the other was into which he introduced such of his friends as were thought suitors of the worthy of presentation to his new society! The rooms were filled with young dandies of the STONEHENGE connexion-beardless bucks from Downing Street, gay young sprigs of the Guards-their sisters and mothers, their kith and kin. They overdrew their accounts at RowDY'S Bank, and laughed at him in his drawing-room; they made their bets and silent. LADY STONEHENGE invaded his nursery, appointed and cashiered talked their dandy talk over his claret, at which the poor fellow sate quite his governess and children's maids; established her apothecary in permanence over him: quarrelled with old Mrs. RowDY, so that the poor old body was only allowed to see her grandchildren by stealth, and have secret interviews with them in the garden of Berkeley Square; made ROWDY take villas at Tunbridge, which she filled with her own family; massacred her daughter's visiting-book, in the which LADY CLEOPATRA, a good-natured woman, at first admitted some of her husband's relatives and acquaintance; and carried him abroad upon excur sions, in which all he had to do was to settle the bills with the courier. And she went so far as to order him to change his side of the house and his politics, and adopt those of LORD STONEHENGE, which were of the age of the Druids, his lordship's ancestors;-but here the honest would have smothered him the other day for voting for ROTHSCHILD. British merchant made a stand and conquered his mother-in-law, who If it were not for the Counting House in the morning and the House of Commons at night, what would become of RowDY? They say he smokes there, and drinks when he smokes. He has been known to go to Vauxhall, and has even been seen, with a comforter over his nose, All this misery and mislistening to Sam Hall at the Cider Cellars. fortune came to the poor fellow for marrving out of his degree. The clerks at Lombard Street laugh when LORD MISLETOE steps out of his cab and walks into the bank-parlour; and RowDY's private account invariably tells tales of the visit of his young scapegrace of a brotherin-law. Duchess in the course of a week, and would have married her very likely, I say thus much because one or two people have taken some remarks of mine in ill part, and hinted that I am a Tory in disguise: and an aristocrat that should be hung up to a lamp-post. Not so, dear BOB; -there is nothing like the truth, about whomsoever it may be. I mean no more disrespect towards any fellow-man by saying that he is not what is called in Society well-bred, than by stating that he is not tall or short, or that he cannot dance, or that he does not know Hebrew, or whatever the case may be. I mean that if a man works with a pickaxe or shovel all day, his hands will be harder than those of a lady of fashion, and that his opinion about MADAME SONTAG'S singing, or the last new novel, will not probably be of much value. And though I own my conviction that there are some animals which frisk advantageously in ladies' drawing-rooms, whilst others pull stoutly at the plough, I do not most certainly mean to reflect upon a horse for not being a lap-dog, or see that he has any cause to be ashamed that he is other than a horse. And, in a word, and as you are what is called a gentleman yourself, I hope that MRS. BOB BROWN, whoever she may be, is not only by nature, but by education a gentlewoman. No man ought ever to be called upon to blush for his wife. I see good men rush into marriage with ladies of whom they are afterwards ashamed; and in the same manner charming women linked to partners, whose vulgarity they try to screen. Poor MRS. BOTIBOL, what a constant hypocrisy your life is, and how you A Little Nut for the Alarmists. THERE is one comfort if the French ever do bombard London, as they have done Rome, they cannot do much injury to our public buildings. The National Gallery, for instance, let it be battered ever so much, could only be improved, and the finest site in Europe" might have some claim to its title after the rubbish which has been allowed to accumulate there in the name of the Fine Arts, had been swept away by a few friendly shells. Our statues would be equally protected from injury. In fact, we doubt if there is a capital in the world so strongly fortified in the above respects as London. TO ASCERTAIN THE STATE OF THE COUNTRY. TAKE a pair of Compasses and the Supplement to the Times, and measure with the former the list of "Marriages" in the latter. An average of from sixty to eighty lines of "Marriages" may be relied upon as an indication of prosperity. As the resources of the country expand, matrimony is contracted, and that portion of the Times elongates; as, for all that MR. DISRAELI may say of our desperate state, we are very happy to remark that it has been doing lately. VOL. XVII. |