PRIZE ESSAY BY AN EXTENSIVE PEACE-MAKER. E ought to regard all mankind as our customers, and accordingly should be polite to every body, even to our enemies, and prepare to give them, in case they should invade us, a civil reception, instead of a military one. If an armed force were to attack us, our right course would be to disarm them by submission, and then we should perhaps be enabled to buy their arms at a bargain, and, having bought the weapons for less than their worth, go and sell them for more to the Kaffirs. War is only theft on the large scale. Thieves are but invaders of society. We have no more right to repel an invasion of our tills than a descent upon our shores. Therefore we should not only disband our Militia but our Police. It would be advisable to post placards, reminding young men disposed to enter the constabulary of the maims and bruises to which policemen are liable in the execution of their duty, and pointing out to them that a CANNON's fist and heels may be as formidable as the cannon's mouth. The colds, coughs, and rheumatisms, to which a policeman is exposed on his beat should also be adverted to: and every possible argument urged tending to deter men from undertaking the defence of our strong-boxes and spoons, articles which are not very much more valuable than our wives and daughters. The blue cloth is as objectionable as the red, and we ought all to be clothed in one uniform of drab. WHAT CONSTITUTES AN EARTHQUAKE. THERE has been lately some agitation in the North, which everybody seems to admit was an earthquake. It may have been something of the sort, but we cannot help being struck by the mildness and variety of the indications which have been accepted as proofs of the occurrence of an earthquake. The Times says "Our correspondent, who resides at Jericho, was awakened by a peculiar trembling sensation. All his joints appeared to be loosened." We were not aware that our contemporary ever sent any of its correspondents to Jericho, and, though we have heard occasionally of "the Times being out of joint," we never heard of the Times newspaper, or any of its correspondents being in that predicament. "At Seacombe what to make of it. Perhaps the gentleman had overslept himself, and the shaking a gentleman was so much shaken while asleep," that, on awaking, he didn't know was administered to wake him up. He, however, prefers to take an earthquakerly view of the matter. MR. DONALDSON, of Gloucester Place, Edge Hill, says, with reference to a noise, "At first I thought it was occasioned by the cat." On second thoughts, not exactly seeing how the cat jumped, he jumped, himself, to the conclusion that it was an earthquake. MR. BEAUCHAMP, of Bootle, finds his clock stopped, and sends up the fact as evidence of an earthquake. A gentleman at Toxteth Park wakes "quite bewildered." He looks at his watch, and finding that it is half-past 4, he supplies further evidence of an earthquake. 66 Another gentleman in Toxteth Park finds his bed swinging like a cradle, and some people next door jumped out of bed "-a piece of neighbourly sympathy there is some difficulty in accounting for. Nevertheless, it all goes to prove an earthquake. MR. CHADBURN "heard a noise as if a heavy person was walking across the room. He raised himself in bed at once," and wrote to the papers to confirm the rumour of an earthquake. MR. WOOD seems to have been in a most absurd state of mind. The wooden rings on his bed rattled. His first impression was that "a boy, who slept overhead, had fallen out of bed." But his next impression was that there had been an earthquake. person was there." Finding there was no person there, he went to bed again with the comfortable conviction that it was only an earthquake. The reasoning faculties of those who felt the shock seem to have been rather oddly affected, for the logic displayed on the occasion is of the very lowest order. For instance: "A manufacturer, feeling his bed shake, came to the conclusion that a servant in a room above had been seized with a fit." Why he should have drawn such an inference is not very clear to us, but, finding himself mistaken, he admitted his error, and pronounced the affair to have been a case of earthquake. Even the dogs are dragged in as witnesses, and the fact that some dogs trembled is cited as a proof of this mild earthquake, which seems to have announced itself by shaking curtains, imitating the sound of a jumping cat, swinging beds, stopping a watch, intimidating a few dogs, and loosening the limbs of an unfortunate correspondent who had been already sent to Jericho. A COUNTRYMAN AT CAMBRIDGE. I WENT unto Cambridge my nevvy to see, They brew a good liquor at Burton-on-Trent, The only Female Reign of France. THE female descendants of LOUIS NAPOLEON are to be excluded from succession to his Imperial crown. Teis arrangement indicates a prejudice against petticoat governhad so much reason to boast of their An-arcby. ment, which is not wholly groundless; for, though we talk of the golden reign of QUEEN ANNE, the French have not "Here are your Fine Old Prejudices!" Ir is very singular the small number of foreigners, Frenchmen especially, that are met with at the Diggings. OLD VULGAR PREJUDICE, upon being asked the reason why, replied, "Oh! foreigners like the Gold well enough but it's the process which follows that they cannot bring themselves to-viz., the Washing." LIGHTLY TAXED. THE French Committee, in the report on the Constitution, observe that their country is taxed with frivolity." France will be fortunate if the Empire shall involve no heavier taxation. A Heavy Churchman IT is an unfortunate thing for the Crystal Palace Company, that the Sabbatarian crusade against them is headed CAPTAIN GREIG, head constable, "heard his earthenware shaken about and by ARCHDEACON HALE. They will find the venerable rattled. He got up, fancying some one had broken into the house, called up the gentleman a weighty opponent, loaded as he is with man on duty at the station, and examined the roof of the building to see that no responsibilities in the shape of preferments. THEATRE ROYAL, WESTMINSTER. BY OUR SLASHING CRITIC. T belongs either to Clown or Pantaloon, or both. Several hands were raised during its progress, but it did not seem to strike the gallery. The next novelty will be a farce, called The Budget, to be followed, as early as possible, by a pièce de circonstance, entitled The Sack, in which MR. DIZZY is said to have a fine exit. It also contains a monster HIS national establishment re-chorus of revolting agriculturists, called " Why did our Master sell opened for the season on Thursday us?" A startling novelty, Cupid in Downing Street, has also been night with the comedy of Know under consideration, but is not yet underlined. Your Own Mind, and a little original after-piece called Quite Disgusted; or, Sibby's Sibillations. The house was well filled, despite the unfavourable weather. SIBTHORP IMMUTABLE! An address was previously deCAN we express our satisfaction on the part of our country and livered, which had been written by ourselves, at again meeting with COLONEL SIBTHORP unchanged and MB. Dizzy, one of the managers. unchangeable as the Great Pyramid? DERBY may quail, DISRAELI Its success was decidedly owing to adroitly succumb; but SIBTHORP" declares that in heart and soul he the admirable manner in which it is a Protectionist!" Indeed we should mourn for human mutability was spoken. It was impossible not could our Colonel change: let other weaker men yield to reason and to to regret that the exquisite skill common sense-but let our Colonel live and die invulnerable to their influence; closed, shut up in Protection, as a crocodile is shut up in its and grace with which it was given scales. Touching the "Speech" the Colonel said-" He must express should have been bestowed upon a composition every way unworthy of his feelings of disappointment-he had almost said, of disgust!" This such advantages, and it is really is as it should be. May we never know a session of Parliament so from a feeling of respect to the barren in human emotions that a SIBTHORP does not enjoy feelings of an inability to express his disgust. illustrious artist who spoke this address, that we abstain from coupling disappointment; with "almost the speech with a name justly endeared to the public. As soon as the ear had ceased to be gratified with the finished delivery of the address, and the eye began to criticise it in print (copies were to be had in the house), it was impossible not to see that it was a shallow and futile affair, in which periods, and not ideas, were balanced, and in which information was sought for in vain. We also regret to add that the house was badly lighted, and that when the lights were turned on, the glasses cracked and flew in all directions. The slamming of the box doors, also, even during the address, was highly disgraceful even to the proverbially negligent servants at this theatre. ལས་ The comedy commenced at the unusually early hour of five o'clock, but was not over until past nine. We decidedly recommend MESSRS. DERBY and DIZZY to cut it. The first part of the piece was spoken by two young actors, new to London boards. One of them, MR. LOVAINE, comes from the Northumberland theatre, where he recently superseded an old and valuable artist, MR. G. GREY, to the dissatisfaction of all who know what acting properly means. The other, MR. EGERTON, is unknown, but appears to have talent. The showy uniforms worn by both were very inappropriate. These actors produced a tolerable effect in the scene where, both being supposed to advocate the same cause, they flatly contradicted each other. The prompter seemed wanting to his duty in this part of the performance. The veteran VILLIERS Was good as ever as Marplot, and elicited loud applause when he denounced the humbug of Vivian Grey; and he displayed a certain resolution which delighted the audience. MR. WALPOLE went through the heavy part of Wheedle with conscientiousness, but clearly does not understand a joke. We were sorry to see MR. J. RUSSELL underact the important character of Plucky, in which he used to be excellent-the scene where he might have done so much, when walking into the cabinet, was very tame, and though he rather warmed up for the fog joke, his point was mist. MR. DIZZY of course played Vivian Grey, but it was rumoured in the house that he had not expected to perform that evening, and we would not, therefore, be hard on his shortcomings; the bit where he taunts Plucky with his inconsistency was given with the old spirit, but he seemed obliged to keep close to the flats, and was by no means at ease. MR. GLADSTONE, as the wellmeaning Hairsplit, was polished as ever, and the pleasantries of Young Tomahawk lost none of their point in the hands of MR. OSBORNE. MR. CHRISTOPHER was very good as the bewildered clod-hopper, and his penitence, and "bowing," in order to keep his place, were deliciously true to nature. COBDEN, in the Cotton Farmer, played closely and tellingly, and his concluding menace was very effective. A new actor, named BALL, has the manner of a Methodist preacher, which, however, suited well with the part of Croak, but he was too tedious To MLLE. LA GRUA.-A brooch of violets and diamonds. (MLLE. over his papers, beside blundering the real point about his corn, which Croak foolishly fancies Marplot has trodden on, whereas it is his own clumsiness that hurts him. BALL did not see this, we think. We must add that the tag was capitally spoken by MR. PALMERSTON, who was loudly applauded for the capital humour with which he acknowledged the perfect frankness of Vivian and Wheedle, but gently intimated that he should like to know what they meant. The fault of the play is the deficiency of female interest, but the old women were well personated by those stock artists, NEWDEGATE and ADDERLEY. Their terror at the supposed goblin, Cheaploaf, was very anile and natural. DESIGN FOR A STATUE TO BE ERECTED ON THE SITE OF THE CRYSTAL PRETTY WORDS FROM PRETTY LIPS. LOUIS NAPOLEON has given lots of jewels to the singers and dancers: presents that have been most sweetly, most truthfully acknowledged. To MADAME TEDESCO.-A bracelet of green enamel and diamond; value 3000f. (MADAME T. curtsied and cried-"The Emperor's duck!") a LA GRUA. "The Emperor's a love!") To MLLE. DUEY.-Bracelet of green enamel and brilliants. (MLLE. DUEY. "The Emperor's a cherub!") To MLLE. CERITO.-A brooch, value 5000f. (MLLE. CERITO. "The Emperor's a seraph!") To MLLE. PLUNKETT.-A brooch of brilliants, 5000f. (MLLE. PLUNKETT. "The Emperor's an angel!") To MLLE. PRIORA.-Sapphire and brilliants, in brooch, 5000f. (MLLE, PRIORA. The Emperor's a god!" Ministerial Policy. The after-piece, Quite Disgusted, was a mere monologue by MR. SIBTHORP, and, we believe, his own composition. It was delivered with DESPITE of the Speech, Ministers are resolved-at any cost-upon much earnestness and intensity, and for those who like broad Protection. Namely, the protection of their places. The CHANCELLOR buffoonery, will doubtless have its attraction, but we should suggest OF THE EXCHEQUER has confidentially declared his readiness, at the its taking its natural place in the Christmas pantomime, as it evidently proper time, to die-upon the Treasury Bench! Genteel Pluralist. "WHAT THE PEOPLE CAN WANT WITH A CRYSTAL PALACE ON SUNDAYS, I CAN'T THINK! SURELY THEY OUGHT TO BE CONTENTED WITH THEIR CHURCH, AND THEIR HOME AFTERWARDS!" |