THE NATIONAL TUTOR'S ASSISTANT. EVERYBODY knows that the great obstacle to popular education is the agreement of sects, on the one hand, that it is necessary to teach orthodoxy together with secular knowledge, and their inability, on the other, to agree what doxy is ortho-. In consequence of this coincident consent and difference, it is vulgarly imagined that the children of the destitute orders are prevented from obtaining any information whatever of a secular kind. The fact is not so. Many of them are instructed, and acquire great proficiency in the very secular sciences of picking pockets, cattle-stealing, burglary, and even, as the county magistrate will say, of poaching. They are only prevented from learning those secular things which, in the opinion of thinking persons, are the least objectionable, from secular A B C., reading, writing, and ari bmetic, upwards, to an altitude so nearly celestial as Astronomy. Such being the case, could not the rival denominationists compromise the education question, having an understanding that orthodoxy shall be taught as soon as it can be determined, and allowing the secular alphabet, and so on, to be taught simply, pending the investigation, in the place of, and as lesser evils than, secular larceny and felony? Educating themselves in the meanwhile, so as to ascertain the meaning of words, which orthodoxy is a question of, if it is a definable thing. Want of dialectics is the cause why theological disputes are not settled, or why it is not seen that they are interminable. So, in point of fact, the long and short of the matter is this, that popular ignorance is owing to clerical nescience, and that the people remain uneducated because contending parsons are dunces. And now for a suggestion, by way of the first step to the combination of spiritual with temporal studies. Let the children of the people be taught WATTS's hymns, and the reverend guides of the people WATTS's Logic.

COCKNEY EPITAPH FOR A COox.-"Peace to his Hashes."

PUNCH PASSES SENTENCE.

THERE is an animal, with the features of a man-an animal by name CALVIMONT, Prefect of the Dordogne; of whom the Daily News writes:

"This functionary's latest feat was to set up, on the fête of August 15, an immense transparency before the Hotel de Ville at Périgueux, representing an eagle with the following inscription, 'God made NAPOLEON, and then rested."""

Punch whistles, and so calls to him this profane dog, and says:-"CALVIMONT, for your beastly impiety receive this sentence: you have the soul of a spaniel, and for two hours per diem it shall not be permitted to you to walk erect, but, under penalty of repeated blows, you shall for two hours per diem for two months crawl on all-fours. You shall also, for the time, wear a collar, and answer all reasonable calls to the sound of a dog-whistle."

Coldness of the Weather in Paris.

LOUIS NAPOLEON could not help observing how coldly the entire THE weather was extremely cold in Paris during the fetes. In fact, populace looked as he passed with his cortège through the crowded streets. This is the more strange, as nothing had been left undone to get up a little warmth on the occasion. We are informed that the PRINCE PRESIDENT felt this coldness so severely, that he has been heard to declare that he shall not venture in public again until a very great change takes place. He has been confined to his room by the cold ever since.

MORE CRY THAN WOOL.

So many of the much be-puffed "Gold Companies" have turned out such thorough swindles, that we think their most appropriate device would be a representation of the Golden Fleece.

GOLD IN ENGLAND!!!

every day to justify the most sanguine expectations that an El Dorado has really been discovered. In the meantime, the motto of the Company is

"OTIUM SINE DIG."

MINING COMPANY.

Conducted on the Get-as-much-as-you-can Frinciple, in

5,000,000 Shares, of 5s. each.

NO LIABILITY TO SHAREHOLDERS.

COMMITTEE OF MANAGEMENT:

The names of the Committee will be published in a few days, and will be found to comprise some of the most illustrious Captains in the late Spanish Legion, as well as a large number of Irish M.P.s, of the most independent character. A few Clergymen have also consented to lend their imposing

names.

THE CONSULTING ENGINEER

is at present in Australia, but as soon as he returns, his name will be announced.

BANKERS:

Directly all the money is paid up, the names of the Bankers will be published. Before then, it would evidently be premature, and highly injurious to the successful carrying out of the Concern.

N.B. The same objection applies to the publication of any other names.

want.

THE great absence of Gold in England has long been felt to be a general want. It is the object of this Company to supply that That Gold exists in large quantities in England is a truth beyond all doubt. The only difficulty is to know where to find it. The Directors of this Company pledge themselves not to rest till they have ascertained that point.

Public rumour bas long pointed to Primrose Hill as being a mine of hidden wealth. The only wonder is, that the mine has never been worked before. Deposits have been found there of the richest description. Pieces of copper as big as a penny have been repeatedly picked up; and one old man recollects vividly, as if it were only yesterday, bis finding a morceau of gold, which, when washed from the earthy matter that surrounded it, weighed not less than a sovereign. This fact proves, stronger than any evidence, that Gold has been found on Primrose Hill, and, with a little search, may be found there again.

There is a remarkable peculiarity in the nature or quality of the soil, which presents strong indications of quartz, being composed partly of the broken ends of pipes, and partly of fragments of oyster-shells, for it is an infallible law in nature that wherever pipes and oysters abound, that is a rich neighbourhood for Quarts.

In fact there is no telling, until Primrose Hill is fairly worked, what there may be inside it. For what we know, it may be an immense money-box, that only requires to be broken open to astonish cur eyes with its long-secreted stores of wealth.

The true locality of "TOM TIDDLER'S Ground" has never been ascertained yet. It will not be strange if Primrose Hill should turn out to be the ground in question, and from the above facts, there is the best ground for believing that it will. We have been walking over ingots without knowing it. There has been a fortune lying at London's door, and for generations we have been doing nothing but kick it away. The Regent's Canal, at the foot of Primrose Hill, may also be a Pactolus that is actually running with streams of Gold, and we do not even send a bucket to help ourselves!

We think we have said enough to prove that there is Gold in England, and plenty of it. In a few days we shall be ready to commence operations, and in the meantime the Directors invite with pride the attention of the public to the following assay on its credulity:

"This is to certify, that I have examined the sample marked 'Primrose Hill Gold, No. 2. I find it contains 75-09 per cent. of the purest gold, small traces of silver, oxide of copper, phosphate of iron, the sublimate of mercury, and several other products

too numerous to mention.

"THOMAS SNOKES."

Future workings of Primrose Hill, however, may afford yet more astounding revelations of its internal treasures. Something turns up

THE ARCHEOLOGIST'S PROGRESS FOR 1853.

E are happy that we are authorised to inform the anxious world of the contemplated investigations of this learned body for 1853. Having successfully traced the bees'-wing in a bottle of port at Newark to the bees that swarmed about the mouth of PLATO; and proved that a ham sandwich-at least the ham-had come in a straight line from the Caledonian boar,- PROFESSOR PINCHY, in the course of an eloquent speech, published the programme of the society for the next year.

The learned Professorwho was much cheered said they had been called a body with less head than stomach. He would be bold enough to smile at that assertion. Of course the Society in its corporate form was compelled to eat, like any other society-he might allude to the Fishmongers; but he wouldn't. Eating and drinking were the necessities of human nature; and only as such were considered by the Arclæologists. Having, however, been so successful with respect to PLATO's bees and CALEDONIA's boar, they were stimulated to further exertion. They would, therefore, next year, sit upon Dorking fowls-a subject hitherto neglected. They would also consider the brawn of Canterbury; the bun of Banbury the cream of Devonshire; the herrings of Yarmouth; the ducks of Aylesbury; the sausages of Epping; the toffy of Liverpool; the turtle, in all its phases, of Bristol; the Sally Lunns of Bath; the salmon of the silver Severn; and the hams of York, with its awe-inspiring Cathedral!

Here the Professor was interrupted by a burst of enthusiasm. When it had in some sort subsided, the learned PINCHY said he would not further dwell upon the comprehensive theme. He would merely add, that it must be evident from what he had said, from even his imperfect description of the contemplated progress of 1853, that it would, like the circling horizon, take in everything. It was his belief, as a man and an Archeologist, that such a comprehensive subject as that he had dwelt upon might be made, with proper time and industry, to begin with turnip-tops, and end with periwinkles.

THE ONLY CURE FOR IRELAND.

PEEVISH, fractious, squalling, shrieking Ireland is a child suffering under protracted teething-certainly having its wise teeth yet to cut. Always ailing always breaking out, too-Ireland has not yet had that salutary eruptive disorder, the measles, which England had three hundred years ago. Neither soothing syrup, nor physic of the contrary sort, will do poor Ireland any good till it has had the measles over; therefore, they must be brought about for it. The following will be the only feasible steps to take for that purpose:-Repeal of the Union must be granted to the extent of giving Ireland its own Parliament. Then, by and with the consent of HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN, and not otherwise, the supreme authority of the Crown, under the name of the Lord Lieutenancy, is to be delegated to DR. M'HALE, calling himself Archbishop of Tuam. No attempt is to be made by the English Government to hinder the execution of any laws that may be enacted by the Papal Irish legislature; only vessels shall be provided to facilitate the emigration of such Protestants as may wish to get out of the reach of a statute de hæretico comburendo. A few years of unmitigated priestly rule-of the tyranny of Romish ecclesiastics with power of confiscation, fire, and fagot-may be confiden ly expected to foment that wholesome exanthem, the desiderated measles-that is to say, induce an Irish Reformation: and then, starting from a point in civilisation corresponding to the age of QUEEN ELIZABETH, regenerated Ireland will be enabled to follow the rest of HER MAJESTY'S dominions in the path of progress at the respectful distance of three centuries behind.