not the least invention !- Ha! ha! ha!—very good!— very good! Sneer. Yes-no genius! Ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! But you are quite right, Sir Fretful, never to read such nonsense. Sir Fret. To be sure-for if there is anything to one's praise, it is a foolish vanity to be gratified at it; and, if it is abuse,-why one is always sure to hear of it from one confounded good-natured friend or another! SHERIDAN. THE CRITIC. Second Selection. DANGLE, SNEER. Enter PUFf. Dang. My dear Puff! Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? Dang. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you. Puff. Mr. Sneer is this?-Sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowing-a gentleman whose critical talents and transcendent judgment— Sneer. Dear sir Dang. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff only talks to you in the style of his profession. Sneer. His profession! Puff. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow : among friends and brother authors, Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself vivâ voce. I am, sir, a practitioner in panegyric, or, to speak more plainly, a professor of the art of puffing, at your service-or any body else's. Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging!- I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints. Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town. Very hard work all the summer, friend Dangle,-never worked harder! But, hark 'ee, the winter managers were a little sore, I believe. Dang. No; I believe they took it all in good part. Puff. Ay! then that must have been affectation in them; for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at ! Sneer. Ay, the humorous ones. - But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves. Puff. Why, yes-but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say, now, you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see, to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such thing: nine out of ten manufactured by me in the way of business. Sneer. Indeed! say Puff. Even the auctioneers now-the auctioneers, I -though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language-not a particle of the merit theirs: take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as catalogues !— No, sir; 'twas I first enriched their style-'twas I first taught them to create a delightful vicinage without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire! Dang. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit. Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him; they would figure him as a presiding Mercury, the god of traffic and fiction, with a hammer in his hand instead of a caduceus.—But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way ? Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity!—the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention. You must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that for some time after I led a most extraordinary life indeed! Sneer. How, pray. Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes. Sneer. By your misfortunes! Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it. Sneer, From sickness and misfortunes! You practised as a doctor and an attorney at once? Puff. No, egad; both maladies and miseries were my own. Sneer. Hey! what the plague! Dang. 'Tis true, i' faith. Puff. Hark'ee!-By advertisements-To the charitable and humane! and To those whom providence hath blessed with affluence! Sneer. Oh, I understand you. Puff. And, in truth, I deserved what I got; for I suppose, never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time. Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes: then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burned out, and lost my little all, both times: that told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself. Dang. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on me. Puff. In November last? -- O no; I was at that time a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped for the dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption. I was then reduced to-O no-then, I became a widow with six helpless children, after having had eleven husbands pressed. Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt? Puff. Why, yes; though I made some occasional attempts at felo de se; but as I did not find those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, Sir, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business, which had always gone rather against my conscience, and in a more liberal way, still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishments, through my favourite channels of diurnal communication—and so, sir, you have my history. Sneer. Most obligingly communicative indeed! and your confession, if published, might certainly serve the cause of true charity, by rescuing the most useful channels of appeal to benevolence from the cant of imposition. But, surely, Mr. Puff, there is no great mystery in your present profession. Puff. Mystery, sir! I will take upon me to say, the matter was never scientifically treated nor reduced to rule before. Sneer. Reduced to rule? Puff. O lud, sir, you are very ignorant, I am afraid?— Yes, sir, puffing is of various sorts; the principal are, the puff direct, the puff preliminary, the puff collateral, the puff collusive, and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. These all assume, as circumstances require, the various forms of "letter to the editor,' occasional anecdote, "impartial critique," "observation from correspondent," or advertisement from the party." Sneer. And do you think there are any who are influenced by this? Puff. O lud, yes, sir! the number of those who undergo the fatigue of judging for themselves is very small indeed. Sneer. Sir, I am completely a convert both to the importance and ingenuity of your profession; and now, sir, there is but one thing which can possibly increase my respect for you, and that is, your permitting me to be present this morning at the rehearsal of your new trage Puff. Hush, for heaven's sake!-My tragedy!-Egad, Dangle, I take this very ill: you know how apprehensive I am of being known to be the author. Dang. I' faith I would not have told-but it's in the papers, and your name at length in the "Morning Chronicle." Puff. Oh! those abominable editors never can keep a secret!—Well, Mr. Sneer, no doubt you will do me great honour-I shall be infinitely happy-highly flattered Dang. I believe it must be near the time-shall we go together? Puff. No; it will not be yet this hour, for they are always late at that theatre: besides, I must meet you there, for I have some little matters here to send to the papers, and a few paragraphs to scribble before I go. (Looking at memorandums). Here is A conscientious baker, on the subject of the army bread"; and "A detester of visible brickwork, in favour of the new-invented stucco"; both in the style of Junius, and promised for to-morrow. The Thames navigation too is at a stand. Misomud or Anti-shoal must go to work again directly.-Here, too, are some political memorandums-I see, ay-To take Paul Jones, and get the Indiamen out of the Shannon-reinforce Byron-compel the Dutch to-so!-I must do that in the evening papers, or reserve it for the " Morning Herald"; for I know that I have undertaken to-morrow, besides, to establish the unanimity of the fleet in the "Public Advertiser,” and to shoot Charles Fox in the "Morning Post." So, egad, I avn't a moment to lose! Dang. Well, we 'll meet in the green room. SHERIDAN. Wait. Sir. Pan. Have you any gentlemen here who arrived this morning? Wait. There's one in the house now, sir. Pan. Is he juvenile ? Wait. No, sir; he's Derbyshire. Pan. [Laughing]. He he he! Of what appearance is the gentleman ? Wait. Why, plaguy poor, sir. Pan. "I hold him rich al had he not a sherte."-Chaucer. Hem! Denominated the Honorable Mr. Dowlas ? Wait. Honorable !-He left his name plain Dowlas at the bar, sir. Pan. Plain Dowlas, did he? That will do. "For all the rest is leather |