Eger. Sir, I shall be proud to profit by your experience.

Sir P. Vary weel, sir; sit ye down then, sit you down here; [They sit, c.]-and now, sir, you must recal to your thoughts, that your grandfather was a man, whose penurious income of captain's half pay was the sum total of his fortune; and, sir, aw my provision fra him was a modicum of Latin, an expertness in arithmetic, and a short system of worldly counsel; the principal ingredients of which were, a persevering industry, a rigid economy, a smooth tongue, a pliability of temper, and a constant attention to make every mon well pleased with himself.

Eger. Very prudent advice, sir.

Sir P. Therefore, sir, I lay it before you. Now, sir, with these materials, I set out, a raw-boned stripling, fra the North, to try my fortune with them here in the Sooth; and my first step in the world was a beggarly clerkship in Sawney Gordon's counting-house, here, in the city of London, which you'll say afforded but a barren sort of a prospect.

Eger. It was not a very fertile one, indeed, sir.

Sir P. The reverse, the reverse: weel, sir, seeing myself in this unprofitable situation, I reflected deeply; I cast about my thoughts morning, noon, and night, and marked every man, and every mode of prosperity; at last I concluded that a matrimonial adventure, prudently conducted, would be the readiest gait I could gang for the bettering of my condition, and accordingly I set about it: now, sir, in this pursuit, beauty! beauty!-ah! beauty often struck my een, and played about my heart; and fluttered, and beat, and knocked, and knocked; but the devil an entrance I ever let it get; for I observed, sir, that beauty is, generally, aproud, vain, saucy, expensive, impertinent sort of a commodity.

Eger. Very justly observed. Sir P. And therefore, sir, I left it to prodigals and coxcombs, that could afford to pay for it; and, and, in its stead, sir, mark!-I looked out for an ancient, weeljointured, superannuated dowager; a consumptive toothless, phthisicy, wealthy widow; or a shrivelled, cadaverous piece of deformity, in the shape of an izzard, or an appersi-and-or, in short, ainy thing, ainy thing that had the siller-the siller-for that, sir, was

the north star of my affections. Do you take me, sir? was nae that right?

Eger. O! doubtless, doubtless, sir.

Sir P. Now, sir, where do you think I ganged to look for this woman with the siller?-nae till court, nae till playhouses or assemblies-nae, sir, I ganged till the kirk, till the anabaptist, independant, bradlonian, and muggletonian meetings; till the morning and evening service of churches and chapels of ease, and till the midnight, melting, conciliating love feasts of the methodists; and there, sir, at last I fell upon an old, slighted, antiquated, musty maiden, that looked-ha, ha, ha! she looked just like a skeleton in a surgeon's glass case. Now, sir, this miserable object was religiously angry with herself and aw the world; had nae comfort but in metaphysical visions and supernatural deliriums-ha, ha, ha! Sir, she was as mad- as mad as a Bedlamite.

Eger. Not improbable, sir: there are numbers of poor creatures in the same condition.

Sir P. O, numbers, numbers. Now, sir, this cracked creature used to pray, and sing, and sigh, and groan, and weep, and wail, and gnash her teeth, constantly, morning and evening, at the Tabernacle at Moorfields: and as soon as I found she had the siller, aha! guid traith, I plumped me down upon my knees, close by her cheek by jowl-and prayed, and sighed, and sung, and groaned, and gnashed my teeth as vehemently as she could do for the life of her; ay, and turned up the whites of mine een, till the strings awmost cracked again. I watched her motions, handed her till her chair, waited on her home, got most religiously intimate with her in a week-married her in a fortnight, buried her in a month ;-touched the siller, and with a deep suit of mourning, a melancholy port, a sorrowful visage, and a joyful heart, I began the world again;-and this, sir, was the first boo-that is, the first effectual boo-I ever made till the vanity of human nature.- [Rise.]-Now, sir, do you understand this doctrine?

Eger. (c.) Perfectly well, sir.

Sir P. (R. C.) Ay, but was it not right? was it not in

genious, and weel hit off?

Eger. Certainly, sir: extremely well.

Sir P. My next boo sir, was till your ain mother, whom I ran away with fra the boarding-school: by the interest of whose family I got a guid smart place in the treasury; and, sir, my very next step was intill parliament; the which I entered with as ardent and as determined an ambition as ever agitated the heart of Cæsar himself. Sir, I booed, and watched, and hearkened, and ran about, backwards and forwards, and attended, and dangled upon the then great mon, till I got intill the vary bowels of his confidence, and then, sir, I wriggled and wrought, and wriggled, till I wriggled myself among the very thick of them: ha! I got my snack of the clothing, the foraging, the contracts, the lotterytickets, and aw the political bonusses: till at length, sir, I became a much wealthier mon than one half of the golden calves I had been so long a booing to: and was nae that booing to some purpose?

Eger. It was, indeed, sir.

Sir P. But are you convinced of the guid effects and of the utility of booing?

Eger. Thoroughly, sir.

Sir P. Sir, it is infallible. But, Charles, ah! while I was thus booing, and wriggling, and raising this princely fortune, ah! I met with many heart-sores and disappointments fra the want of literature, eloquence, and other popular abeeleties. Sir, guin I could but have spoken in the hoose, I should have done the deed in half the time; but the instant I opened my mouth there they aw fell a laughing at me; aw which deficiencies, sir, I detearmined, at any expense, to have supplied by the polished education of a son, who I hoped would one day raise the house of Macsycophant till the highest pitch of ministerial ambition. This, sir, is my plan: I have done my part of it; Nature has done hers; you are popular, you are eloquent, aw parties like and respect you: and now, sir, it only remains for you to be directedcompletion follows.

Eger. Your liberality, sir, in my education, are obligations I shall ever remember with the deepest filial gratitude.

Sir P. Vary weel, sir: but, Charles, have you had any conversation yet with Lady Rodolpha, about the day of your marriage-your liveries-your equipageor your domestic estayblishment ?

Eger. Not yet, sir.

Sir P. Poh! why there again, now, you are wrong

vary wrong.

Eger. Sir, we have not had an opportunity.

Sir P. Why, Charles, you are very tardy in this business.

Lord L. [Sings without, R. flushed with wine.]

"What have we with day to do?"

Sir P. Oh, here comes my lord.

Lord L. "Sons of care, 'twas made for you."

Enter LORD LUMBERCOURT, R. drinking a cup of coffee; TOMLINS attending him.

"Sons of care, 'twas made for you." Very good coffee, indeed, Mr. Tomlins, (R.) "Sons of care 'twas made for you." Here, Mr. Tomlins.

Tom. (R.) Will your lordship please to have another dish ?

Lord L. (R.C.) No more, Mr. Tomlins.-[Exit TOMLINS, R.]-Ha, ha, ha, my host of the Scotch pints, we have had warm work.

Sir P. Yes, you pushed the bottle aboot, my lord, with the joy and vigour of a bacchanal.

Lord L. 'That I did, my dear Mac; no loss of time with me: I have but three motions, old boy, chargetoast-fire-and off we go: ha, ha, ha! that's my exercise. [EGERTON goes L.

Sir P. And fine warm exercise it is, my lord, especially with the half-pint glasses.

Lord L. Zounds! it does execution point blank: ay, ay, none of your pimping acorn glasses for me, but your manly, old English half-pint bumpers, my dear; they try a fellow's stamina at once: but where's Egerton?

Sir P. Just at hand, my lord; there he stands.
Lord L. My dear Egerton.

Eger. (L.C.) Your lordship's most obedient.

Lord L. I beg pardon, I did not see you; I am sorry you left us so soon after dinner: had you staid, you would have been highly entertained. I have made such examples of the commissioner, the captain, and the colonel.

Eger. So I understand, my lord.

Lord L. But, Egerton, I have slipped from the company for a few moments, on purpose to have a little chat with you. Rodolpha tells me she fancles there is a kind of demur on your side, about your marriage with her. Sir P. A demur! how so, my lord?

Lord L. Why, as I was drinking my coffee with the women just now, I desired they would fix the wedding night, and the etiquette of the ceremony; upon which the girl burst into a loud laugh, telling me she supposed I was joking, for that Mr. Egerton had never yet given her a single glance or hint upon the subject.

Sir P. My lord, I have been just now talking to him about his shyness to the lady.

Enter TOMLINS, R.

Tom. Counsellor Plausible is come, sir, and Serjeant Eitherside.

Sir P. Why then we can settle the business this very evening, my lord.

Lord L. As well as in seven years; and, to make the way as short as possible, pray, Mr. Tomlins, present your master's compliments and mine to Lady Rodolpha, and let her ladyship know we wish to speak with her directly.-[Exit TOMLINS, L.]-He shall attack her this instant, Sir Pertinax.

Sir P. (c.) Aye, this is doing business effectually, my lord.

Lord L. (c.) O! I will pit them in a moment, Sir Pertinax; that will bring them into the heat of the action at once, and save a great deal of awkwardness on both sides. O, here your dulcinea comes, sir.

Enter LADY RODOLPHA, R. singing.

Lady R. (R.) Weel, Sir Pertinax, I attend your commands, and yours (c.) my paternal lord.-[LADY R. curtsies very low.]

Lord L. Why then, my filial lady, we are to inform you that the commission for your ladyship and this enamoured cavalier, commanding you to serve your country, jointly and inseparably, in the honourable and forlorn hope of matrimony, is to be signed this very evening.

Lady R. (R.) This evening, my lord!

Lord L. This evening, my lady. Come, Sir Pertinax, let us leave them to settle their liveries, wedding suits, carriages, and all their amorous equipage for the nuptial campaign.