Then close your sentence with an oath,
And shut the window down!

11. And if you are a slender man,
Not big enough for that,

Or, if you cannot make a speech,
Because you are a flat,

Go very quietly and drop

A button in the hat!

CLXXX.-SAM WELLER'S VALENTINE.

CHARLES DICKENS.

1. "I've done now," said Sam, with slight embarrassment: "I've been a, writin"."

"So I see," replied Mr. Weller. "Not to any young 'ooman, I hope, Sammy."

"Why, it's no use a sayin' it ain't," replied Sam. "It's a walentine."

"A what!" exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently horrorstricken by the word.

"A walentine," replied Sam.

2. "Samivel, Samivel," said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, "I didn't think you'd ha' done it. Arter the warnin' you've had o' your father's wicious propensities, arter all I've said to you upon this here wery subject: arter actiwally seein' and bein' in the company o' our own mother-in-law, vich I should ha' thought was a moral lesson as no man could ever ha' forgotten to his dyin' day! I didn't think you'd ha' done it, Sammy, I didn't think you'd ha' done it." These reflections were too much for the good old man. He raised Sam's tumbler to his lips and drank off the contents.

3. "Wot's the matter now?" said Sam.

"Nev'r mind, Sammy," replied Mr. Weller, "it'll be a wery agonizin' trial to me at my time of life, but I'm pretty tough, that's vun consolation, as the wery old turkey remarked ven the farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him, for the London market."

"Wot'll be a trial?" inquired Sam.

"To see you married, Sammy-to see you a deluded wictim, and thinkin' in your innocence that it's all wery capital," replied Mr. Weller. "It's a dreadful trial to a father's feelin's, that 'ere, Sammy."

"Nonsense," said Sam, "I ain't a goin' to get married, don't you fret yourself about that: I know you're a judge o' these things. Order in your pipe, and I'll read you the letter-there."

4. Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections, and began with a very theatrical air

"Stop," said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell.

glass o' the inwariable, my dear."

66

"A double

"Very well, sir," replied the girl: who with great quickness appeared, vanished, returned, and disappeared.

66

66

They seem to know your ways here," observed Sam. Yes," replied his father, "I've been here before, in my time. Go on, Sammy."

"Lovely creetur'," repeated Sam.

""Taint in poetry, is it?" interposed the father. "No, no," replied Sam.

5. "Wery glad to hear it," said Mr. Weller. "Poetry's unnat❜ral: no man ever talked in poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some of them low fellows: never you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin again, Sammy."

Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam once more commenced and read as follows:

66 6

'Lovely creetur i feel myself a damned””.

"That ain't proper," said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth.

6. "No: it ain't damned," observed Sam, holding the letter up to the light, "it's 'shamed,' there's a blot there— 'I feel myself ashamed.'"

"Wery good," said Mr. Weller. "Go on."

"Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir-.' I for

get wot this here word is," said Sam, scratching his head with the pen, in vain attempts to remember.

"Why don't you look at it, then?" inquired Mr. Weller.

"So I am a lookin' at it,” replied Sam, "but there's another blot: here's a 'c,' and a 'i,' and a 'd.'”

"Circumwented, p'rhaps," suggested Mr. Weller. "No, it ain't that," said Sam, "circumscribed, that's it." "That ain't as good a word as circumwented, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, gravely.

66 Think not?" said Sam..

"Nothin' like it," replied his father.

"But don't you think it means more ?" inquired Sam. "Vell, p'rhaps it's a more tenderer word," said Mr. Weller, after a few moments' reflection. "Go on, Sammy." 7. "Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a dressin' of you, for you are a nice gal and nothin' but it." "

"That's a wery pretty sentiment," said the elder Mr. Weller, removing his pipe to make way for the remark. 'Yes, I think it's rayther good," observed Sam, highly flattered.

66

"Wot I like in that 'ere style of writin'," said the elder Mr. Weiler, "is, that there ain't no callin' names in it,no Wenuses, nor nothin' o' that kind: wot's the good o' callin' a young 'ooman a Wenus or a angel, Sammy?"

"Ah! what, indeed ?" replied Sam.
“Ah!

"You might jist as vell call her a griffin, or a unicorn, or a king's arms at once, which is wery well known to be a col-lection o' fabulous animals," added Mr. Weller.

"Just as well," replied Sam.

"Drive on, Sammy," said Mr. Weller.

Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows: his father continuing to smoke with a mixed expression of wisdom and complacency, which was particu larly edifying.

"Afore I see you I thought all women was alike.””

"So they are," observed the elder Mr. Weller, parenthetically.

8. "But now, ,"" continued Sam, "" now I find what a reg'lar soft-headed, ink-red'lous turnip I must ha' been, for there ain't nobody like you, though I like you better than nothin' at all.' I thought it best to make that rayther strong," said Sam, looking up.

Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed.

"So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dear -as the gen'lem'n in difficulties did, ven he valked out of a Sunday, to tell you that the first and only time I see you your likeness was took on my hart in much quicker time and brighter colors than ever a likeness was taken by the profeel macheen (wich p'rhaps you may have heerd on Mary my dear), altho' it does finish a portrait and put the frame and glass on complete with a hook at the end to hang it up by, and all in two minutes and a quarter.'

“I am afeerd that werges on the poetical, Sammy," said Mr. Weller, dubiously.

"No it don't," replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoid contesting the point.

9. "Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine, and think over what I've said. My dear Mary I will now conclude.' That's all," said Sam.

"That's rayther a sudden pull up, ain't it, Sammy?" inquired Mr. Weller.

"Not a bit on it," said Sam: "she'll vish there wos more, and that's the great art o' letter writin'."

"Well," said Mr. Weller, "there's somethin' in that; and I wish your mother-in-law 'ud only conduct her conwersation on the same gen-teel principle. Ain't you a goin' to sign it ?"

"That's the difficulty," said Sam: "I don't know what to sign it?"

66

Sign it-Veller," said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name.

"Won't do," said Sam. "Never sign a walentine with your own name.'

66

'Sign it 'Pickvick,' then," said Mr. Weller: "it's a wery good name, and a easy one to spell."

"The wery thing," said Sam. "I could end with a werse: what do you think?"

66

"I don't like it, Sam," rejoined Mr. Weller. I never know'd a respectable coachman as wrote poetry, 'cept one, as made an affectin' copy o' werses the night afore he wos hung for a highway robbery; and he wos only a Cambervell man, so even that's no rule.”

But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that had occurred to him, so he signed the letter

"Your love-sick
Pickwick."

CLXXXI.—THE DEACON'S MASTERPIECE: OR, THE WONDER

FUL"ONE-HOSS SHAY."

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.

1. HAVE you heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay,

That was built in such a logical way

It ran a hundred years to a day,

And then, of a sudden, it—ah, but stay,
I'll tell you what happened without delay,
Scaring the parson into fits,

Frightening people out of their wits,—
Have you ever heard of that, I say?

2. Seventeen hundred and fifty-five,

Georgius Secundus was then alive,—
Snuffy old drone from the German hive.
That was the year when Lisbon town
Saw the earth open and gulp her down,
And Braddock's army was done so brown,

Left without a scalp to its crown.

It was on the terrible Earthquake-day
That the Deacon finished the one-hoss shay.

3. Now in building of chaises, I tell you what,
There is always somewhere a weakest spot,-