What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge. What lock must be looked for out of doors and on the ground? Hemlock. Why is the letter S likely to prove dangerous in argument? Because it turns words into s-words. I'm up and down, and round about, Yet all the world can't find me out, Though hundreds have employed their leisure They never yet could find my measure. Circle. Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten are twenty, and twice eleven are twenty-two. (too.) What is the difference between a postage-stamp and a ady? One is a mail fee, and the other is a fe-male. Why is a baby like wheat? Because it is first cradled, then thrashed, and finally becomes the flower of the family. Fifty is my first, nothing is my second, Five just makes my third, my fourth's a vowel reckoned; Now, to make my whole, put all my parts together, I die if I get cold, but do not mind cold weather. L-O-V-E. Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge? Because it must be ground before using. Why are fowls the most economical things on a farm? Because for every grain of corn they take they give a peck. What is the difference between a belle and a burglar? One wears false locks and the other false keys. We are little airy creatures All of diff'rent voice and features; T' other you may see in tin- Vowels. At what season did Eve eat the apple? Early in the fall Why will the emblems of America outlive those of Eng land, France, Ireland, or Scotland? Because the rose will fade, the lily will droop, the shamrock will wither, and the thistle will die, but the stars are eternal. What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, a bald-headed man, an orphan, and a gorilla? The prince is an heir apparent, the bald man has no hair apparent, the orphan has nary parent, and the gorilla has a hairy parent. In what two cases are precisely the same means used for directly opposite purposes? Why, bars, to be sure. They are put on bank windows to keep thieves out, and on jail windows to keep them in. What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve, which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam!" Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no Eve. Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company. Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards. When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He gets wet. Which is the greater number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen? Why, six dozen dozen, of course; six dozen dozen being 864, and half a dozen dozen 72. A room with eight corners had a cat in each corner, seven cats before each cat, and a cat on every cat's tail. How many cats were there? Eight cats. If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A bee-attitude. Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork. When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs? When he has a sty in his eye. Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want puttin' out. What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his mas ter? Because he's got one to wag. What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip. A girl asked an apothecary for castor oil, to be mixed with something that would disguise the taste. On being asked if she liked soda water she said: "Yes." The apothecary gave her a glass flavored with lemon, and the oil. She lingered, and presently asked for the oil again, when the man told her that she had taken it in the soda water. "Oh, gracious," she said, "I wanted it for my brother." 66 At a legal investigation of a liquor seizure, the Judge asked an unwilling witness: "What was in the barrel?" The reply was: Well, your honor, it was marked 'whiskey' on one end of the barrel, and 'Pat Duffy' on the other end, so that I can't say whether it was whiskey or Pat Duffy that was in the barrel, being as I am on my oath." "Did you say you considered Mr. Smith insane?" asked a lawyer of a witness in a criminal case. "Yes, sir, I did." "Upon what grounds did you base that impression?" Why, I lent him a silk umbrella and five dollars in money, and he returned them both." "Sammy, my son, how many weeks belong to the year?" "Forty-six, sir." Why, Sammy, how do you make that out?" "The other six are Lent." A young man once told Dr. Bethune that he had enlisted in the army of Zion. 'In what church?" asked the doctor. "In the Baptist," was the reply. "I should call that joining the navy," replied the doctor. 66 A tipsy loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it for the Queen of night. Well," said he, "if somebody ain't stuck an advertisement on the moon." The following notice is posted conspicuously in a publication office down East: "Shut this door, and as soon as you have done talking on business serve your mouth the same way." An Irishman on beholding Niagara Falls, said: "What is there here to make such a bother about?" "Why," said a companion, "see that mighty river pouring over into the deep abyss." "And sure, what's to hinder it?" said Pat. A bashful young man escorted an equally bashful young lady. As they approached the dwelling of the damsel, she said, entreatingly: “Zekill, don't tell any body you beau'd me home." "Sary," said, he emphatically, "don't you mind, I am as much ashamed of it as you are." In an action for breach of promise, the defendant's counsel asked the plaintiff: "Did my client enter into a positive agreement to marry you?” "Not exactly," she replied, "but he courted me a good deal, and he told my sister that he intended to marry into our family." A dandy, smoking a cigar, entered a menagerie, when the keeper ordered him to take the weed from his mouth, for fear the other monkeys might learn bad habits. "Why did you leave your last place, Sarah?" "Why you see, mum, I was too good looking, and when I opened the front door, folks took me for the missus." A medical student was asked what he would do first in the case of a man who was blown up by gunpowder. "Wait until he came down," was the reply. 66 "I saw a capital thing in your pamphlet the other day," said a cynic. Indeed," said the delighted author, "what "A pound of butter." was it?" "I wish I had your head," said a young lady to a literary man, who had solved a problem for her. "And I wish I had your heart," responded the gentleman. They formed a partnership. Holmes, being bored by a dull public lecturer, asked: "What are you about at this time?" The answer was: "Lecturing as usual. I hold forth this evening at Roxbury." The professor, clapping his hands, exclaimed: "I am glad of it; I never did like those Roxbury people." SUPPLEMENT TO One Hundred Choice Selections, No. 18 CONTAINING SENTIMENTS For Public Occasions; WITTICISMS For Home Enjoyment; LIFE THOUGHTS For Private Reflection; FUNNY SAYINGS For Social Pastime, &c. Though the false wing of pleasure may change and forsake, Swain. The scholar, without good-breeding, is a pedant; the philosopher, a cynic; the soldier, a brute; and every man disagreeable. Chesterfield. Run, if you like, but try to keep your breath; Holmes. He approaches nearest to the gods who knows how to be silent, even though he is in the right. Cato. Never give up! it is wiser and better Fling off the load of Doubt's cankering fetter, The watchword of life must be,-never give up. Tupper. A firm faith is the best divinity; a good life the best philosophy; a clear conscience the best law; honesty the best policy; temperance the best physic. Wisdom is ofttimes nearer when we stoop |