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on slight evidence, run after soldiers, experience that there are worthy people patronize an engine-company, or, in his who not only try it on their own children, own words, “ blow for tub No. 11," or but actually force it on those of their whatever it may be ; — isn't that a pretty neighbors. nice sort of a boy, though he has not got - Having been photographed, and anything the matter with him that takes stereographed, and chromatographed, or the taste of this world out? Now, when done in colors, it only remained to be you put into such a hot-blooded, hard- phrenologized. A polite note from Messrs. fisted, round-cheeked little rogue's hand Bumpus and Crane, requesting our ata sad-looking volume or pamphlet, with tendance at their Physiological Emporithe portrait of a thin, white-faced child,
um, was too tempting to be resisted. We whose life is really as much a training repaired to that scientific Golgotha. for death as the last month of a con- Messrs. Bumpus and Crane are ardemned criminal's existence, what does ranged on the plan of the man and the he find in common between his own over- woman in the toy called a “weatherflowing and exulting sense of vitality and house," both on the same wooden arm the experiences of the doomed offspring suspended on a pivot,-so that when one of invalid parents ? The time comes comes to the door, the other retires backwhen we have learned to understand the wards, and vice versâ. The more parmusic of sorrow, the beauty of resigned ticular speciality of one is to lubricate suffering, the holy light that plays over your entrance and exit,- that of the oththe pillow of those who die before their er to polish you off phrenologically in the time, in humble hope and trust. But it recesses of the establishment. Suppose is not until he has worked his way through yourself in a room full of casts and picthe period of honest, hearty animal exist- tures, before a counter-full of books with ence, which every robust child should taking titles. I wonder if the picture of make the most of, - not until he has learn- the brain is there, “ approved” by a noted the use of his various faculties, which ed Phrenologist, which was copied from is his first duty,—that a boy of courage my, the Professor's, folio plate in the work and animal vigor is in a proper state to of Gall and Spurzheim. An extra convoread these tearful records of premature lution, No. 9, Destructiveness, vaccording decay. I have no doubt that disgust is to the list beneath, which was not to be implanted in the minds of many healthy seen in the plate, itself a copy of Nature, children by early surfeits of pathological was very liberally supplied by the artist, piety. I do verily believe that He who to meet the wants of the catalogue of took children in His arms and blessed “organs.” Professor Bumpus is seated in them loved the healthiest and most play- front of a row of women,-- horn-combers ful of them just as well as those who and gold-beaders, or somewhere about were richest in the tuberculous virtues. that range of life, looking so credulous, I know what I am talking about, and that, if any Second-Advent Miller or Joe there are more parents in this country Smith should come along, he could string who will be willing to listen to what I the whole lot of them on his cheapest lie, say than there are fools to pick a quarrel as a boy strings a dozen "shiners" on a with me. In the sensibility and the sanc- stripped twig of willow. tity which often accompany premature The Professor (meaning ourselves) is decay I see one of the most beautiful in- in a hurry, as usual ; let the horn-combstances of the principle of compensation ers wait,- he shall be bumped without which marks the Divine benevolence. inspecting the antechamber. But to get the spiritual hygiene of robust Tape round the head, — 22 inches. natures out of the exceptional regimen (Come on, old 23 inches, if you think you of invalids is just simply what we Profes- are the better man!) sors call " bad practice”; and I know by Feels of thorax and arm, and nuzzles
round among muscles as those horrid yer, very rarely a physician, and almost old women poke their fingers into the never a horse-jockey or a member of the salt-meat on the provision-stalls at the detective police. - I did not say that Quincy Market. Vitality, No. 5 or 6, or Phrenology was one of the Pseudo-scisomething or other. Victuality, (organ at epigastrium,) some other number equally A Pseudo-science does not necessarily significant.
consist wholly of lies. It may contain Mild champooing of head now com- many truths, and even valuable ones. mences. Extraordinary revelations! Cu- The rottenest bank starts with a little pidiphilous, 6! Hymeniphilous, 6+! Pæ- specie. It puts out a thousand promises diphilous, 5! Deipniphilous, 6! Gelas- to pay on the strength of a single dollar, miphilous, 6! Musikiphilous, 51 Ura- but the dollar is very commonly a good niphilous, 5! Glossiphilous, 8!! and so one. The practitioners of the Pseudoon. Meant for a linguist. — Invaluable sciences know that common minds, after information. Will invest in grammars they have been baited with a real fact or and dictionaries immediately.— I have two, will jump at the merest rag of a lie, nothing against the grand total of my or even at the bare hook. When we have phrenological endowments.
one fact found us, we are very apt to I never set great store by my head, supply the next out of our own imagand did not think Messrs. Bumpus and ination. (How many persons can read Crane would give me so good a lot of or- Judges xv. 16 correctly the first time?) gans as they did, especially considering The Pseudo-sciences take advantage of that I was a dead-head on that occasion. this. - I did not say that it was so with Much obliged to them for their politeness. Phrenology. They have been useful in their way by I have rarely met a sensible man who calling attention to important physiolog- would not allow that there was something ical facts. (This concession is due to our in Phrenology. A broad, high forehead, immense bump of Candor.)
it is commonly agreed, promises intellect;
one that is a villanous low" and has a A short Lecture on Phrenology, read to huge hind-head back of it, is wont to the Boarders at our Breakfast- Pable.
mark an animal nature. I have as rarely
met an unbiassed and sensible man who I shall begin, my friends, with the defi- really believed in the bumps. It is obnition of a Pseudo-science. A Pseudo- served, however, that persons with what science consists of a nomenclature, with the Phrenologists call “ good heads” are a self-adjusting arrangement, by which all more prone than others toward plenary positive evidence, or such as favors its belief in the doctrine. doctrines, is admitted, and all negative It is so hard to prove a negative, that, evidence, or such as tells against it, is ex- if a man should assert that the moon was cluded. It is invariably connected with in truth a green cheese, formed by the some lucrative practical application. Its coagulable substance of the Milky Way, professors and practitioners are usually and challenge me to prove the contrary, shrewd people ; they are very serious I might be puzzled. But if he offer with the public, but wink and laugh a to sell me a ton of this lunar cheese, I good deal among themselves. The be- call on him to prove the truth of the lieving multitude consists of women of caseous nature of our satellite, before I both sexes, feeble-minded inquirers, po purchase. etical optimists, people who always get It is not necessary to prove the falsity cheated in buying horses, philanthropists of the phrenological statement. It is onwho insist on hurrying up the millennium, ly necessary to show that its truth is not and others of this class, with here and proved, and cannot be, by the common there a clergyman, less frequently a law- course of argument. The walls of the head arg double, with a great air-cham- thief, and how his example confirms our ber between them, over the smallest and noble science. most closely crowded “organs.” Can you At last comes along a case which is aptell how much money there is in a safe, parently a settler, for there is a little brain which also has thick double walls, by with vast and varied powers, - a case kneading its knobs with your fingers ? like that of Byron, for instance. Then So when a man fumbles about my fore- comes out the grand reserve-reason which head, and talks about the organs of In- covers everything and renders it simply dividuality, Size, etc., I trust him as impossible ever to corner a Phrenologist. much as I should if he felt of the outside “ It is not the size alone, but the quality of my strong box and told me that there of an organ, which determines its degree was a five-dollar- or a ten-dollar-bill un- of power." der this or that particular rivet. Per- Oh! oh! I see. — The argument may haps there is; only he doesn't know any- be briefly stated thus by the Phrenolothing about it. But this is a point that I, gist: “ Heads I win, tails you lose.” the Professor, understand, my friends, or Well, that's convenient. ought to, certainly, better than you do. It must be confessed that Phrenology The next argument you will all appre- has a certain resemblance to the Pseudo ciate.
sciences. I did not say it was a Pseudo I proceed, therefore, to explain the science. self-adjusting mechanism of Phrenology, I have often met persons who have which is very similar to that of the Pseu- been altogether struck up and amazed at do-sciences. An example will show it the accuracy with which some wandering most conveniently.
Professor of Phrenology had read their A. is a notorious thief. Messrs. Bum- characters written upon their skulls. Of pus and Crane examine him and find a course the Professor acquires his informagood-sized organ of Acquisitiveness. Pos- tion solely through his cranial inspections itive fact for Phrenology. Casts and draw- and manipulations.—What are you laughings of A. are multiplied, and the bump ing at ? (to the boarders). — But let us does not lose in the act of copying.-I just suppose, for a moment, that a toldid not say it gained.—What do you look erably cunning fellow, who did not know so for? (to the boarders.)
or care anything about Phrenology, should Presently B. turns up, a bigger thief open a shop and undertake to read off than A. But B. has no bump at all people's characters at fifty cents or a dolover Acquisitiveness. Negative fact ; lar apiece. Let us see how well he could goes against Phrenology.- Not a bit get along without the “organs.” of it. Don't you see how small Consci- I will suppose myself to set up such a entiousness is ? That's the reason B. shop. I would invest one hundred dolstole.
lars, more or less, in casts of brains, skulls, And then comes C., ten times as much charts, and other matters that would make a thief as either A. or B.,— used to steal the most show for the money. That would before he was weaned, and would pick do to begin with. I would then advertise one of his own pockets and put its con- myself as the celebrated Professor Braintents in another, if he could find no other ey, or whatever name I might choose, and way of committing petty larceny. Un- wait for my first customer. My first cusfortunately, C. has a hollow, instead of a tomer is a middle-aged man. I look at bump, over Acquisitiveness. Ah, but just him,- ask him a question or two, so as look and see what a bump of Alimentive- to hear him talk. When I have got the ness! Did not C. buy nuts and ginger- hang of him, I ask him to sit down, and bread, when a boy, with the money he proceed to fumble his skull, dictating as stole? Of course you see why he is a follows:
SCALE FROM 1 TO 10.
LIST OF FACULTIES FOR CUSTOMER. PRIVATE NOTES FOR MY PUPIL:
Each to be accompanied with a wink.
Most men love the conflicting sex, and all
men love to be told they do. Alimentiveness, 8.
Don't you see that he has burst off his lowest
waistcoat-button with feeding,-hey?
Of course. A middle-aged Yankee.
fect of that plus sign.
His face shows that.
That'll please him.
Has laughed twice since he came in.
That sounds well.
Locality, Eventuality, etc., 4 to 6. Average everything that can't be guessed.
And so of the other faculties.
Of course, you know, that isn't the way the Phrenologists do. They go only by the bumps.- What do you keep laughing so for? (to the boarders.) I only said that is the way I should practise “Phrenology” for a living.
End of my Lecture.
The Reformers have good heads, generally. Their faces are commonly serene enough, and they are lambs in private intercourse, even though their voices may be like The wolf's long howl from Oonalaska's shore, when heard from the platform. Their greatest spiritual danger is from the perpetual flattery of abuse to which they are exposed. These lines are meant to caution them.
A surface-smile may pay the toil
That follows still the conquering Right,
Serenely placid, safely true,
Thy verse distils like evening dew.
They fall like drops of scalding rain
Swept o'er the cities of the plain! Then scowling Hate turns deadly pale
Then Passion's half-coiled adders spring,
Strike right and left in hope to sting.
Thy feet on earth, thy heart above,
Unchanged in trust, unchilled in love,-
Too firm for clamor to dismay,
And Meekness calls to disobey,
SAINT ANTHONY THE REFORMER.
HIS TEMPTATION. No fear lest praise should make
We know how cheaply that is won; The idle homage of the crowd
Is proof of tasks as idly done.
Ah, then beware of mortal pride!
The smiling pride that calmly scorns
In laboring on thy crown of thorns !
THE ITALIAN WAR.
War has been pronounced the condi- Napoleon was not merely the ruler of tion of humanity; and it is certain that con- France, but had at his control the reflict of some kind rages everywhere and at sources of many other countries. Belgiall times. The most combative people on um and Holland were then at the comearth are the advocates of universal and mand of France, and now they are indeperpetual peace. There is something es- pendent monarchies, holding strictly the sentially defiant in the action of men who position of neutrals. In 1809, Napoleon avowedly seek the abolition of a custom had those very German States for his acthat has existed since the days of Cain, and tive allies that now threaten Napoleon which was well known to those magnificent III.; and some of the hardest fighting on beasts that ranged over the earth's face the French side, in the first days of the long before man began to dream or was campaign, was the work of Bavarians and dreamed of. To fight seems a necessity of other German soldiers. That part of Po the animal nature, whether the animal be land which then constituted the Grand called tiger, bull, or man. Those who have Duchy of Warsaw was among his defought assure us that there is a positive pendent principalities; and Russia sent pleasure in battle. That clever young an army to his aid. In 1805, Napoleon woman, Miss Flora Mac-Ivor, who passed I. had far more of Italian assistance than most of her life in the very highest fight- Napoleon III. has had at the time we ing society, assures us, that men, when write; and in 1809, the entire Peninsula confronted with each other, have a certain obeyed his decrees as implicitly as they instinct for strife, as we see in other male were obeyed by France. Napoleon III. animals, such as dogs, bulls, and so forth, entered upon the war with the hereditary It is even so; and, further, the fondness rival of his country with no other ally than that men have for accounts and details of Sardinia, though it is now evident that battles is another evidence of the popu. there was an “ understanding” between larity of war, and an absolute stumbling him and the Czar, not pointing to an atblock in the way of the Peace Society, tack on England, but to prevent the inwhich has the hardest of combats to fight tervention of the Germans in behalf of
The journals of the world are at this Austria, by holding out the implied threat time full of the details of a war such as of an attack on Germany by Russia, should that world has not witnessed since 1815, its rulers or people move against the allies. and in comparison with which even the Whatever may be thought of the mo Russian War was but a second-rate con- tives of the French Emperor, and howevtest. The old quarrel between Austria er little most men may be disposed to beand France, which has repeatedly caused lieve in his generosity, it is impossible to the peace of Europe to be broken since refrain from admiring the promptness and the days of Frederick III. and Louis XI., skill with which he has acted, or to deny has been renewed in our time with a to him the merit of courage in daring to fierceness and a vehemence and on a pronounce so decidedly against the Ausscale that would have astonished Fran- trians at a time when he could not have cis I., Charles V., Richelieu, Turenne, reasonably reckoned upon a single ally Condé, Louis XIV., Eugène, and even beyond the limits of Italy, when England, Napoleon himself, the most mighty of under Tory rule, was more disposed to act whose contests with Austria alone can- against him than with him, and when the not be compared with that which his hostility of Germany, and its readiness to nephew is now waging with the House support the Slavonic empire of Austria, of Lorraine. For, in 1805 and in 1809, were unequivocally expressed. So great,